Thongs and Cottage Cheese. Don't Ask.

There's nothing that screams purity more than THONG UNDERWEAR. From the geniuses on the far right of the political bell curve come a product that all those pre-pubescent, confused, and sexually awkward American teens can wear with pride and subsequently get labeled with the reputation of "cock tease" for the rest of their high school career. Yes, people, that's right. Abstinence thong. A product marketed specifically to all those girls who have ass sex in order to "save themselves" for their wedding night. The company that makes these doesn't call it underwear, it's an "under-goodie." As in, goodie-goodie? As in, "Oh, goodie! I get to read the words, 'I Abstain' on this chick's panties instead of licking her clit!"??? Like, what the hell does "under-goodie" mean anyway?

The only way a thong can promote abstinence is if it's worn by some 300-pound dominatrix with cottage-cheese labia and the propensity to drool at the sight of salami. Ha! I just made myself laugh. Cottage-cheese labia.