WARNING!! ADULT CONTENT

WARNING!! ADULT CONTENT
If you were born after 1989, LEAVE NOW.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

A Different Way to Toss Your Salad




Salad dressing semen spawns trouble - Yahoo! News

Kids do the darndest things. An Illinois youth decided to play a fun-loving prank on the whole school by ejaculating into a bottle of ranch dressing in the high school cafeteria. The judge who sentenced him said the prank was "beyond stupid." The youth's friends, all two of them, said the look on the cafeteria lady's face was "priceless."


Comic courtesy of TOOTHPASTEFORDINNER.COM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

But, Officer, I'm a PORN STAR.



Article about the Porn Star's liaison with a complicit highway patrol officer and excerpts from her blog detailing the events...

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Double Trouble




ABC News: Identical Twins Caught in Paternity Flap

In my opinion, this woman who is suing twin brothers for paternity, should've known that "dating" twin brothers was a recipe for disaster. I mean, didn't she ever watch any episode on TV that involved guest appearances by twins? Whole sitcoms have been built around twins, because there's such drama and angst inherent in twin sibling pairings. This woman should've known. I have no sympathy for her because, frankly, I think she's rather dumb. Proof #1 -- She had sex with one of the twins AFTER A RODEO. She got drunk, attended a rodeo, and banged on the twin's door asking for sex. I guess the twin wasn't that good because a few hours later, she goes to see the other twin and has sex with him. Proof #2 -- She obviously did not use protection in either instance. But my real beef is with the twins. Neither of them both want to end up paying child support, and since their DNA is identical, paternity can't really be determined. All this courtroom drama has caused a rift between them, caused anguish for their poor mother, and made a little 3-year-old girl realize what assholes her daddy and uncle really are.

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Manwich, Part Three or The Old Switcheroo


Read Manwich, Part One
Read Manwich, Part Two

"Thwack!" Lucy squealed in delight just as the green strap made contact with her luscious ass. Immediately, it produced a red mark that would make any domme proud. "Thwack!" In between thrusts, Rob was bringing the green strap down with a minimal amount of force, but the marks it left told otherwise. You could tell Rob was enjoying being the aggressor and Lucy was loving every second of being the submissive. Since Lucy was positioned on her hands and knees as Rob fucked her doggy style, I went around to face her and kiss her in between the beatings with the green strap. She smiled at me, and I asked, "You like that, baby? You like being used like that, don't you?" She smiled again and nodded, then closed her eyes just as the green strap made contact with her ass again.

Sensing Lucy's enjoyment of being the sub, I immediately assumed the role of the domme, ordering her forcefully to lick my cunt while she got fucked from behind. I laid on the bed, spreading my legs wide and staring straight at Rob as he met each of my moans with a thrust. For a novice, Lucy was pretty good at eating pussy, and she managed to expertly finger me while flicking at my clit with her tongue. I fondled my hard, erect nipples as she did this, enjoying how erotic this moment made me feel. I made Lucy look me straight in the eye and I told her, "Now go lick all your pussy juice off of Rob's thick cock."

She immediately did as she was told. I grabbed the green strap from Rob and began striking the back of Lucy's legs with it, pausing only to kiss and lick the marks it left, and then resuming with more force than before. I interchanged this with small little nibbles and bites at her back and shoulders, guiding the back of her head down the length of Rob's cock. After a sufficient amount of time, I ordered Lucy to lie on the bed and spread her legs wide like a good little whore. I handed the green strap to Rob and said, "Now it's my turn to be the sub."

I dove my head in between Lucy's legs, invading her pussy with my tongue and positioning my ass in the air so Rob could now use the green strap on me. With each strike, I smarted back much like Lucy had, and I felt my pussy getting wetter each time. After about three or four lashes with the strap, Rob dove down and began licking my pussy, inhaling my scent and working his tongue in and out and all over so beautifully I felt like I was going to cum instantly.

I stopped licking Lucy's pussy long enough to plead, "Oh, please fuck me. Fuck me."
Rob obliged and slowly entered my waiting cunt, almost teasing me at first and then proceeding to thrust harder and faster. Lucy was on the verge of cumming, I could tell, so I put two fingers in her pussy and began working her cunt and her clit simultaneously so she could reach orgasm. Her back was arched and her chin was thrust up in the air now, and she said breathlessly, "Oh god, I'm cumming, I'm cumming." She moaned and bucked, loudly yelling now, "Oh fuck, Oh fuck."

Rob was fucking me furiously now as well, and it was all I could do to stop myself from cumming as well. I could tell that Rob was holding back as well, trying to extend this before he blew his load prematurely. As Lucy started cumming back down from her climax, I turned around, faced Rob and said, "Now it's your turn to get worked on, baby."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

No, Grandpa, a Nudie Camp is NOT My Idea of Fun




Nudists Try to Attract Younger Following | The Huffington Post

Oh those crazy nudists. They're at it again. Trying to get more people to accept their lifestyle and say, "I'm Here. I'm Naked. And I'm Proud." Apparently nudist camps are starting to look more like New Horizons Assisted Living Facility hopped up on Ecstasy than the hotbed of young, taut, nubile bodies that they really want to attract. So, their solution is to offer discounts to college students and have a mentoring program where young nudists, you know, persuade other young people to be, well, nude. Because, of course, if it were some old guy in a yellow cap and nothing else on, it would be kinda creepy.

The problem with their plan is that their senior marketing managers probably have not set foot into a nightclub or bar recently. One look at all the exposed flesh in one of those places, and you'd think you were at a nude beach. Plus there are more people their age there. It wouldn't be like you were stuck at the bar talking to grandpa and wishing you could trim his ear hair. They already have a place to frolic and prance around in the nude: Burning Man. And Daddy McNudist wouldn't be knocking on their tents at night tellin' em to quit smoking that damn marijuana.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hump Day Lady Lumps




FresnoBee.com: Local: Crowning moment


"John-ny! John-ny! John-ny!" That's what Fresno's Roosevelt High School prom attendees started chanting when the prom queen was named on Saturday. They wanted a prom queen, they got a prom Queen. I must say, Johnny Vera looks pretty darn good as a woman. Like she could give Paris Hilton a run for her money. And, according to the article, the title was well-deserved because of Johnny's winning attitude and an Oprah-esque positivity that would probably make all the goth kids stand around in a coven circle and puke. She's the first and only transgendered prom queen in America. Unfortunately, the lesbian at Fresno High School who ran for prom king didn't get the win there. Maybe that's because the ones who vote for the prom king and queen are usually the cheerleading and yearbook staff girls who are fine with guys who look hotter than them, but when it comes to bull dykes, they have no mercy. All this begs the question...what's with the high schoolers in Fresno?? Is Fresno really the bastion of social change and acceptance that big cities like San Francisco and Seattle have to contend with now? Fresno?? Really??



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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

An Interesting Twist on an Old Story




Local News | Jury acquits Spanaway man of bestiality charge | Seattle Times Newspaper

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm creative enough to come up with such an interesting way to tell your husband you want to call it quits. Call me crazy, but there are more civil ways to do it than calling up the police and telling them you caught him fucking the family dog. More civil, but not as interesting. The wife must have wanted to get back at her husband in a bad way causing her to think up such a thing. He was the first person in Washington state to be tried for a new law making bestiality a felony. Poor pit bull, caught in the middle of all this mess.



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Monday, May 14, 2007

I. C. U. P.




Police: Man had bathroom cameras

As I've said before, there's a fetish for everything. I've blogged about a guy who has a fetish for cars, specifically Knight Rider's KITT car. And then there was the fetish for Japanese schoolgirls who fart in one's face. And now...this. Apparently, some guy in Maine got off on videotaping his family while in the bathroom. 24 hours a day. Without their knowledge. And, if you read the article, the way he was busted is even more strange. Some random motorist with a wireless video monitor in his vehicle caught the live broadcast of someone using the toilet. Now, why would anyone have a wireless video monitor in their car? Maybe there's a fetish for that, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- provided that no one gets hurt in the process.

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Fantasy Friday..er..Saturday. Manwich, Part Two.



Read Manwich, Part One.

I looked through the peekhole to make sure it was Rob. His trademark sexy shaved head was right there, and the smile on his face told me that he knew I was peeking out at him. I opened the door widely, wearing absolutely nothing, and his face lit up.

Eyebrows raised, he said, "I guess I'm late. Started the party without me?" He walked towards me, and I leaned in, grabbed him by his waist, and began to unbutton his jeans. Smiling, he started kissing me as I led him towards the bed. He saw Lucy naked on the bed, and said, "Well, hello..."

"Oh sorry," I said, "Rob, this is Lucy...Lucy, this is..." Lucy had brought herself to the edge of the bed, and as Rob held his hand out to shake hers, she went straight for the unbuttoned jeans I had started on and began to unzip them, getting ready to take Rob's cock into her mouth. Rob was already hard by this time, and Lucy grabbed his erect shaft in her hand and wrapped her lips around the head, swirling her tongue up and around it, causing Rob to let out a little moan.

"That's a great introduction," he said, looking at me. As Lucy was busy working on his cock, I began to undress him, taking his shirt off and admiring his muscular physique. I brought his jeans down to the floor, stopping only to squeeze his ass and make him spread his legs a bit so that I could get easier access to those luscious balls of his.

Lucy was working his cock pretty well as far as I could tell. Rob had his eyes closed and his head back, thoroughly enjoying himself. I got on my knees and began to lick his balls, causing further moaning from Rob. His excitement was hard to deny, and Lucy's enthusiasm in sucking his cock was evident. Having tasted her pussy a bit before, I wanted to have more. So while Lucy was working Rob's cock, I went behind her and started licking her pussy, fingering her and thrusting my tongue in and out of her cunt. She came quickly, bathing my face in her pussy juice and trembling slightly from the orgasm that wracked her body. My lips covered in Lucy's cum, I went straight up to Rob and made him lick it up, kissing him and letting him taste the sweetness of Lucy's pussy.

"Did you bring the green strap?" I whispered in Rob's ear.

"You know I don't leave home without it," he said, motioning towards the bag of goodies he had brought with him. Fresh from her orgasm, Rob decided to help Lucy cum again and started fucking her doggy style, watching her juicy ass back up into him and feeling her pussy just grip his cock and ride it up and down. She backed up forcefully on his cock, and Rob could tell that she wanted to be fucked harder. He slapped her ass lightly at first, and after she squealed in delight, he smacked harder the second time. Lucy loved that spanking, and her pussy tightened and clenched on his cock each time he spanked her ass.

I handed Rob the infamous green strap, and he held it in his right hand, ready to paddle Lucy's ass with it...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fantasy Friday - Gonna Make Me a Man Sandwich. A Manwich, if you will.


This story is dedicated to the ThROBster. You know who you are.

While most girls would like an MFM threesome, I actually want an FMF threesome. For those of you not up on the "lingo," that's code for Female-Male-Female. What could be better than that? The best of both worlds...

My hot asian friend, Lucy, who I've always had a thing for, tells me the other day that she wants to share a guy with me.

"Are you serious?" I ask, stunned...and excited.

"Yes, I'm dead serious," she says, looking down. "I've thought about it for a while now...you're my very best friend, and I know there wouldn't be any jealousy or shit like that. I know you're naughty, Lisa." She smiles, looking at me this time.

Aware that there was so much more than that statement in her smile, I smile back, holding her gaze. "Well, yes, I've been known to get a little out of hand."

I tell her that there's a guy that I fuck occasionally who has been talking non-stop about having two girls. "Wouldn't it be great if we could fulfill that little fantasy for him?" I ask.

"Yes!" she says excitedly. "Seriously, Lisa, I really want to do this."

"Well," I say, "I have to warn you...he likes it rough. You know, nothing extreme, but he has this green strap that he uses..."

Lucy interrupts me. "Lisa, I know you've known me for a long time, but there are a lot of things you don't know about me. I really have thought about this for a while now. I just have been too chicken to say anything. But I said it. And now, I have to tell you, I really like it rough too. Really. Rough." She looks at me to make sure that I get what she's talking about.

We stare at each other for a few seconds, a myriad of thoughts running through each of our brains. Finally, I say, "Oh boy, we're gonna have some fun!"



I set up the date, arranging the details...everything from getting a hotel room to buying some sexy new lingerie. I have to admit, the lingerie was more for Lucy than for the guy. I was determined to seduce her and kiss those luscious lips I've fantasized about all these years.

Rob agreed to meet us at the hotel. Lucy and I drove together, looking at each other nervously at times, making small talk. The whole time we were driving and checking in to the hotel, I was hoping she wouldn't chicken out at the last minute.

When we arrived at our room, I asked her, "You sure you wanna do this?"

She looked at me, sighed, and grabbed my face in her hands, planting a soft, wet kiss on my lips. I kissed back, feeling the fullness of her lips on mine, her tongue, tasting how sweet she was and feeling my pussy getting wet as we kissed.

We parted lips and she said softly, "I've wanted to do that for years now."

Instead of voicing my agreement, I quickly opened the door, tossed my bag on the floor, practically grabbing her and throwing her across the bed. I straddled her now, grabbing at her blouse, unbuttoning it, and kissing her furiously. I could feel her nipples harden as I took her breasts in my hands, taking her bra off gently, and lying on my side next to her as I sucked lightly on her nipple.

She moaned softly, arching her back while I caressed and licked her breasts, helping her take her skirt off. I got undressed, feeling the moisture between my legs increase as I watched Lucy touch herself, fondling her nipples and twisting them slightly between her fingertips. I began kissing her stomach, amazed at how soft her skin felt on my lips, making my way down to her pussy. I was glad to see that she was completely shaved, and my lips were starting to water in anticipation. She started to moan louder now, knowing full well where I was headed, and what I was going to do. I put two fingers in my mouth and got them nice and wet. She spread her legs for me, exposing a beautiful pussy with beautiful pink lips and a clit that just called to me. I stuck my tongue out and gently licked, hearing her soft intake of breath as I did this. I worked her clit with my thumb as I licked again and parted her lips with my tongue, making way for my fingers to enter her waiting pussy.

It was just then that we heard the knock on the door.

"That's Rob," I said. "You ready?" I asked Lucy.

"Oh fuck yes!" she said.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

That Sucks




Throat cancer linked to HPV infection

First it was cervical cancer that we had to worry about with HPV (human papillomavirus), and now, it's throat cancer.

The sexually transmitted human papillomavirus causes some throat cancers in men and women, and oral sex increases the risk, U.S. researchers say.


Even though getting throat cancer is extremely rare in most cases, it gives us one more reason to use condoms and urge our young women to get the HPV vaccine. Because, really, that's the last thing they want to worry about when they're giving head behind the bleachers of the middle school soccer field.


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Blue Moon


Your Honor,
I was drunk. I was on prescribed medication. I had diarrhea.

These were the excuses a New England man gave a judge in March when he was arraigned for mooning people on a bridge. He was fined $500. If only Paris Hilton used those same excuses, she might not be going to jail. Diarrhea is a golden excuse. She should use it when she's in the slammer and she has to mingle with the plebians. Just tell them you have diarrhea, dear. No one will bother you.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

You're Not Fit to Wear the Uniform




Police take down stripper's particulars for impersonation - Yahoo! News


So, this stripper gets taken in and booked for impersonating an officer, when really he was just dressed in his requisite stripper uniform, getting ready to do an act. But I guess the two female plain-clothed officers decided he just wasn't doing the uniform justice. This is the scene I imagine:

Outside a bar, two plainclothes female police officers parked in a car across the street are just finishing a stake out. There is a small line outside the bar, and a few people are near the door talking and smoking. One of those people is a 24 year old blonde guy dressed in a cop uniform, who moments before had just arrived.

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) Hey, it looks like there's a cop on duty here at this bar.
Female Cop 2: You serious? Maybe he got a call about a fight or something. (gets a closer look at the officer) He doesn't look familiar. But, fuck, he's hot. Look at that ass.
Female Cop 1: Let's go fuck with him.
Female Cop 2: And do what?
Female Cop 1: I dunno, break his balls a little. Maybe get his number. (smiles)

She gets out of the car, and the other female cop follows. They walk across the street together, Female Cop 1 definitely in control. The blonde uniformed cop has his back to the two as they approach the bar. Female Cop 1 walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

Female Cop 1: Officer, do you have a badge?
(The uniformed cop turns around, obviously taken aback, with a look of confusion on his face. His shirt is unbuttoned, showing off much of his tanned, muscular chest.)
Stripper: Excuse me? I'm not really a cop; I work here.
Female Cop 1: (showing her badge) My name is Officer Cagney. This is my partner Officer Lacey. Do you have ID on you?
Stripper: (incredulous) You're kidding, right? I don't carry ID, I'm a stripper. All I got on is this uniform and a really tight speedo.
Female Cop 1: (eyeing him from head to toe) That's a pretty authentic looking uniform. We thought you were a cop that's why we came over here.
Stripper: No, I'm not. I just work here. My routine is coming up next. You're welcome to come in and watch if you'd like.
Female Cop 1: Well, sir, you're gonna have to prove you are who you say you are, otherwise we'll have to take you in.
Stripper: Take me in? For what?
Female Cop 1: Impersonating an officer.
Stripper: Are you kidding?? Do I fucking look like a real officer to you? My shirt is missing three buttons and my badge says 'Property of Women' on it.
Female Cop 1: Sir, just prove who you say you are, and we'll leave you alone.
Stripper: (shaking his head) Fine. Come in and watch. If I give you an extra good show, will you leave me alone?
Female Cop 2: (jumping in before the other cop can say anything) Yeah, if you give us an extra good show.

(They all walk into the bar. The cops take a seat at an empty table while the stripper heads to the stage. The room is full of hooting, drunk women, whistling to the stripper as he walks by. The DJ announces the stripper as the lights flash and a police siren goes off and the sound of NWA's 'Fuck tha Police' is played in the background.)

DJ: And now....Ladies put your hands up and beg for mercy....because...it's the police fantasy you've all been waiting for....Welcome to the stage...your hot cop in a uniform....EROS!!!!!!!!

(crowd goes wild)

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) He better be fucking hung, otherwise, I'm taking him in.


Anyway, you get the idea. The poor stripper gives them his version of an "extra good show" but lacks the girth or length to garner a pardon from the female cops. They probably thought they were doing the world a favor by not letting this guy do his strip routine.


Monday, May 7, 2007

And the World is a Better Place Because of It


Thousands strip off for world's biggest nude photoshoot | the Daily Mail

So Mexico might not have a strong economy or clean drinking water, but they do have donkey shows and now this. Apparently, a Brooklyn artist who uses naked bodies as the subjects of his artwork, filled a whole plaza in Mexico City with 18,000 naked bodies. He even got a man in a wheelchair. And the great thing about the event was that most of the participants saw it as a show of patriotic solidarity rather than a chance to show off their private parts to the world. In between shots, they sang Mexican folk songs. I can't help but think that if there was a photo shoot this big in the U.S., half of the crowd might not even know the national anthem. And then the LAPD would show up and start pelting people with rubber bullets. Ouch.


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Sunday, May 6, 2007

We Don't Need No Water, Let the Motherf***er Burn




ITV News - Firemen mistaken for strippers

It was an honest mistake. If I was watching a strip show, I too would have thought I hit the jackpot when not one but a whole team of firefighters came bursting through the doors ready to quench fire. OK, so the fire they were going to quench was not in my loins but in the back room where the actual stripper got a little carried away with the lighter fluid for his own fireman routine. But I seriously wonder how many of those firemen were just a little tempted to put on a little show for some extra cash. Not a bad side job, dontcha think?

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Friday, May 4, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Supporting Our Troops, Part I


I've always had a thing for men in uniform. As a toddler, I would wave at cops and call them my boyfriends, and every time I see servicemen in uniform I have to fight the urge to just jump them right then and there. Well, here's my fantasy...

I've been captured by soldiers as an enemy combatant, and they take me into a secluded room for questioning. Tied to a chair and gagged, dressed only in my underwear, they proceed to tell me that I will do as told and that they will have their way with me. They ungag me but still leave me tied to the chair with my hands behind my back. They each take turns sticking their rock hard cocks into my mouth, gagging me and pounding the back of my throat with each thrust. I've had quite a few cocks in my lifetime, but six in a row has set a new record.

They tell me to suck their balls, and lick their assholes, forcing me to do all these things while still bound to the chair. Eventually, they loosen the ties around me and proceed to undress me right then and there. One of them rubs and sucks on my nipples while another takes off my panties gently and then forcefully sticks his tongue right in between my legs to taste the pussy juice that has suddenly soaked me through and through. I knew they were going to have a field day with me, using me and fucking me every which way. But that didn't scare me. What scared me was that I knew I was going to enjoy it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

WTF???



How many nude asian chicks can you fit in a telephone booth

God, I love the Japanese. They've done absolutely everything, I mean EVERYTHING, you can possibly do in a porno. While watching this video is not particularly the kind of thing that would get me all hot and bothered, it sure made me laugh. Try and guess how many Asian chicks they ended up fitting into a telephone booth. Go ahead, try.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Livin' La Vida Loca




Ricky Martin 'shows nude footage at concert'

Ricky Martin. That Wild and Crazy Guy. He showed sexy (gasp!) clips at his concert the other day, shocking fans. AND he apparently used the F-Bomb quite a few times. What the hell is the world coming to?? First Ricky Martin curses and swears and shows sexy video clips at his concert. Next thing you know, politicians and lawmakers will be hiring prostitutes and lying to the public about everything from taking bribes to being gay. The End is Near.

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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Adopt a Clitoris




Clitoraid - Sponsor a Clitoris: News

Have you heard The Clitoraid Story? If you have, then I'm sorry. If you haven't, watch the video, look at the website and come to your own conclusions. Sadly atrocities such as ridding a woman of a major part of her womanhood really do happen. Even more sad is that the cause to help clitorises (clitorae?) across Africa has been adopted by none other than whackjob mccracker Rael, leader of the infamous space cadets the Raelians. In case you didn't know, Raelism is a religion started by a former auto racing journalist who believes in UFOs and started the company Clonaid, a "human cloning company." At least, if they do manage to clone humans, we'll know that the women will all have fully functioning clitorises. Thank god...er, Rael...for that.

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