Oh, Hai. This is my blog.

It's Fantasy Friday. I'm devoid of fantasies at the moment. Unfortunately. All I can say is that the world of mommyhood and an invigorating sex life, be it in print or for reals, are two mutually exclusive things right now. Perhaps I should start a blog entitled "Celibate Mom" or "The Day My Sex Life Died" or "How My Baby Stole My Heart and My Libido". For the life of me, I can't seem to let my mind get to a sexual place and dwell in the candlelit haze of erotic tale-spinning. Maybe it's the fact that I'm totally and completely obsessed with this election and any free time I have is devoted to reading as much political information I can get my grimy, spit-up covered, drool infested hands on. Either that or I'm just so fucking tired.

Seriously, am I a freak? Does this happen to other moms out there? Or am I just some lame female who can't juggle being a stay at home mom and having a semi-normal life all at the same time? Don't answer that.

A Slight Case of Blogger's Block

What do you do when you can't think of anything to write about? Write about it, of course! So here I am, completely devoid of any original thoughts, blogging about my desolate mind, wondering why I feel like the world of sex is so incredibly boring right now. It's not, really. In fact, more and more people are looking for sex during these uncertain times, what with the recession and talks of a Depression, financial markets on the edge of ruin, and the election taking a nasty turn. And just today, ABC News uncovered NSA military telephone operators allegedly eavesdropping on personal phone calls by military officers, including but not limited to phone sex calls and pillow talk between officers and their significant others. And in other news, Coke is the new spermicide, Jamie Lynn Spears is supposedly pregnant again, and Betty White finds Barack Obama extremely sexy.

So you see, I could blog about any number of things, but I'm too fucking lazy and lack the energizing creativity at this particular moment in my life. I'm trying to channel all my inspiration into a Fantasy Friday post, so stay tuned.

Misleading Headline of the Day

Nerds Rejoice: Braininess Boosts Likelihood of Sex

What the article does say is that women look for intelligent signs of life when on the hunt of a potential mate, long-term or short-term. Yes, brains are a turn-on, nerds of America. What it doesn't say until the second page, however, is that LOOKS ARE STILL MORE IMPORTANT THAN BRAINS. So, don't get all excited there, nerd-boy. If you look like a geek, quack like a geek, and don't look like Brad Pitt, then chances are your chances of getting laid are still pretty slim.* In fact, I'm not sure why they even published this article.

**I, for one, am so turned-on by geeks. Ask my husband.

Boobies!

I don't know what my obsession is with boobs lately. Perhaps it has to do with the current state of my mammaries, but it seems I am constantly checking out women's chests, clothed or unclothed, comparing them of course to my own, but entirely in a non-sexual manner. (I'm not THAT pervy, gawd.)

For example, as I was browsing through the naked photos of swingers on the swinger site we belong to, I found myself drawn to nipple pics. If there was a nipple pic, there I was studying it. Really studying it. Wondering if I have completely lost my affection for boobs now that my own have been reduced to becoming somewhat utilitarian in their purpose. Don't get me wrong, I am completely and utterly amazed at the lactation process, feeling grateful that I can experience such a wondrous aspect of motherhood, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like a cow. A very tired, very sleepy cow. And there are times when I wish that the pressure to produce could be lifted for a while and my boobs could go back to being the sexualized funbags they were before I gave birth.

But, long story short, this is just a very long-winded, TMI version of what I originally wanted to post, which is this:

Cops Hunt Bare-Breasted Bandits

Some 18-year-old guy got mugged by a girl gang dressed in overalls and nothing else. Just bare breasts covered strategically by overalls. I know, can you believe it? Overalls are soooo 90s.

Sounds like a CFNM Fantasy, if you ask me.

Sugasm #148

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #149? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

People I could hang out with

“But it wasn’t just a story, it was a damn sexy story.”

Red, Hot Ass

“I grunted, but held still.”

Smart Girls Make Better Lovers

“Chicks with brains can make you scream.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

Sex Blogging and Writing for the Drawer

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex History

Right To Vibe

Erotic Writing and Experiences

A is for

Adult Party Games - Round One

Adventures in Digital

Balcony fun

The Dinner Party: Part I

Female Waxing

Frisson

Her Glorious Cunt

Lilly and the Construction Crew

Not So Complicated

Sex in Public on Road Trip Day 9

So Wrong….

The Waiting is the Hottest Part. Confession #140

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews

Every Kind of Sex Available: Exploring The Limits of CyberSex

NYC Sex Bloggers 2009 Calendar

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Impertinent Question: What’s the Kinkiest Thing You’ve Ever Done?

Study HNT

Sex Work

Sex Work and Compassion: Self Hating Client

The Sockjob Goddess Returneth…

Sex Advice

Libido in Older Women

Pregnancy BDSM

Try the Pelvic Slide Position for Maximum Clitoral Stimulation

BDSM & Fetish

A domestic fantasy

A man becomes a fucking machine

Not your usual gangbang.

Playing the scene

Sex Camp 2008: Fiiiiyuuuurrrr!!!

Sex Humor

Fantasy Friday: Ahoy, Matey!

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Autobiography of a Masturbator: Porn O’Graphicus, Part 4

Marriage Failure a Natural Success

Never submit to escort screening

Sex Shop Jitters

Ten Things I Find Extremely Sexy On Men - The Non-Physical Version

What I read at Dirty Words night

Why do I do This?

Fantasy Friday: Quid Pro Quo

I opened the box in front of him like I was offering a secret treasure, looking only for the reaction on his face the moment he saw what it was. He stared, but he didn’t touch, folding his arms, trying to make out what kind of contraption it really was. Finally, “It looks like a squid.” He stared. I said nothing, only smiled “You think you’re going to put that up my ass, don’t you?”

“Yep.”

The Aneros Helix was something I found accidentally. I was going to buy a butt plug, indulge a fantasy of his and wear it all day long, only to have it replaced with his hard cock later that evening. But when I saw the Helix, I thought, “Why not a little quid pro quo?” chuckling gleefully at the idea.

He offered his ass to me, positioning himself on all fours, like an obedient pet waiting for loving strokes from its owner. I licked his balls.

“Oh!” he exclaimed, arching his back at the initial contact. I giggled, then gave him my tongue again,, burying my face fully, lapping playfully.

“Ready?”

“What if I say n---ooohhhhh. Onnnnhhhh. Unnnhhhh.” The Helix sticks out of his ass like a curly tail.

“Does it feel good?” I ask. He only grins. I begin to play with the Helix, twisting it, pushing it deeper into his ass, thrusting slightly and rhythmically. Judging from his moans, I think I found his G-spot. I tease his cock with my tongue, taking his balls into my mouth, stroking his now erect cock.

“Don’t stop,” he says, but I direct him to sitting position and straddle him, taking his cock into my pussy, which is now sopping wet.

“This feels…incredible.” His eyes roll back into his head. I tighten my pussy around his cock, getting wetter once I see the pleasure so evident on his face.

“We can have a contest to see who’d last longer with a dildo up the ass,” I say, grinding my cunt on his cock, meeting his thrusts as they get more frequent and forceful.

“You. Would. Win. Fuuuuuckkk. I’mgonnacomenowfuck.”

I quickly jump off of him, barely catching his cock in my mouth before he erupts, coming so hard he almost bucks into my face. I gobble up what I can and let the rest drizzle down to my tits. I swirl his come all over my nipples, and he opens his eyes momentarily to watch me lick the come off my fingertips. He gives me a satisfied laugh.

“It’s my turn,” I say, smiling and licking my lips. I take out the other box I had hid. Then I get on the bed and offer him my ass this time.

Buy the Aneros Helix from Babeland
Babeland is giving away $1200 worth of sex toys!!

Best Porn Ever

This may be the best porn I've ever seen:

Originally found on The Slog.

Oh Wiiiiiiiiiii

If you just go by titles, the Dark Room Sex Game sounds like some BDSM fantasy, but in actuality it is a rather strange, possibly infinitely entertaining new game using Wii controllers. With no graphics, players take turns shaking their remotes to a rhythm with only horny audio cues as their guide. It could be the most fun-sounding game you've ever played. It's available for free download here.

Well, it's Tuesday, and I have nothing in particular to blog about, sexual or otherwise. I could tell you about the time I lost my virginity, but that would be boring and pathetic. So instead, here's a nice comic:


toothpastefordinner.com

I currently have three cats and two websites. I'm working on the bumper stickers.

Sugasm #147

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #148? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Amazing

““You’re lucky I’m not being mean right now.””

Cum Squirt With Me. Confession #131

“Not much research has been done on the female orgasm in general, much less this seemingly new erotic marvel.”

Jealousy, Pornography and the Boundaries of Blogging

“I search to be a sexually free, independent and satisfied woman without the stigma of slut yet with the positive implications of slut.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

Blue Fantasy, Red Silk Rope

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews

DVD Review: “Hostel Lupus” (Lupus Pictures)

Lady Sascha Reviews the Light-Of-Love T

Sarge Ties Up Charlotte Vale On Hogtied

VibeReview Fantasy: Decadent Indulgence

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

The Enigmatic Angel Finds Out Just HOW Kinky She IS

Fetish Fridays: Interview With A Sissy

How Grey Does Your Garden Grow?

Rock Me Sexy Jesus

We don’t plan to stop

Where Do I Fit In The Picture

Why I hire escorts

Why, Oh Why Do I Like Watching My Wife Get Fucked

You Are Beautiful Tonight

Sex & Humor

Overheard In BDSM

BDSM & Fetish

Bonds of Love

Brutal Bastinado And Intense Sadistic BDSM

Don’t Slam The Door

Exceeding My Expectations

Meeting with BS 4

Mistress or Lusty Bitch?

Public Displays of Discipline

Renewing and Reviewing: Rule 5

Sarge Says: The Vale That Is Thin Enough For Me

Sex and Submission Round 2 Report: Mz Berlin, Mark Davis, And Bondage

She works hard for a living…

Sex Work

Satine Phoenix Is A Sinner? Repent Repent Repent!

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Clips and Clamps

Feather Fan HNT

Half-Nekkid Thursday: Sunny Side Up

Sex Advice

Bend over boyfriend how to make him want anal sex

How To Put On A Condom In The Dark

Man-Handled: What Makes the Perfect Blowjob?

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Being Alone

Catalina loves Fucking Mr. F (In My Mind At Least)

Chasseur

Fuck My Mouth

Horny

The Long Kiss Goodnight

Making out in the air part1

One

What She Forgot - Another Friday Night Bedtime Story

While it rains outside…

It's a Good Cause

After you've read my Fantasy Friday post for today and sufficiently talked like a pirate, get your ass over to this website to participate in a good cause. Arrrrr. (c'mon, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day. I *have* to.)

Fantasy Friday: Ahoy, Matey!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My Pet Thing

This is supposed to be a toy for kids...



...methinks it looks like a toy for adults. Like if someone decided to stick that handle up their ass, it'd be one scary motherfuckin appendage. And if it were actually for sale, methinks it wouldn't be long before someone decided to do just that.

It looks like some miniature pig mated with Vin Diesel's head and decided to use a merkin as a toupee.

I'm just sayin.

Scariest Toy Concept Ever: The Epidermits Thing

And Now in Other News...

Man in Nebraska rubs his ass and groin on windows, leaving greasy imprints.

I know what frottage is, but what would this be classified as? A window fetish? A fetish for displaying your ass and groin on a window? A fetish for leaving your ass-print on a window? Let's coin a new term, shall we? How about fromage?

Never mind, that's French for cheese. It works, though, no?

Heheheh

It's an iceberg. In the shape of a penis. A cockberg, if you will. Heheheh.



Giant ice penis -- is climate change to blame?

Fantasy Friday: Kiss My Ass

"I want you to fuck my ass tonight," I said, matter-of-factly. I sipped my red wine and lingered, savoring the finish and looking him squarely in the eye above my wine glass.

He smiled, eyes twinkling. "If that's what you want. I won't argue."

I half expected him to laugh at the shock of my statement, since this was only our fourth date, but his acceptance and lack of surprise told me that I had met my match. I smiled back at him, coyly.

"Good. Because you're not allowed to say a word," I said. "You just sit there and watch until I tell you what to do." He continued to smile, and I could see that he was ready and willing to play this little game with me.

Rising from my chair, I walked over to him, never once releasing my gaze from his spellbound stare. Slowly I began to unbutton my blouse, licking my lips, Music played in the background, and I let my hips sway to the rhythm as I began a slow and sensual striptease for him. He sat in his chair transfixed and silent as I stripped down to my black silk lingerie, revealing my ample cleavage and ass cheeks that were ripe for the fucking. I straddled him, grabbing a hold of his arms and pinning them to the wall while I gyrated in his lap. I could feel his hot breath on my chest as I pulled in closer to him, burying his head in my tits.

"You don't know what you're doing to me," he said huskily.

I clenched his wrists tighter and slammed his upraised arms against the wall.

"No talking!" I commanded. Then, I kissed him forcefully and paused to bite his lower lip with more than a hint of aggression. I forced my tongue into his mouth, invading him, grinding my hips against his, feeling his strong, hard response to my actions.

"You like that, don't you?" I asked, smiling. "Just you wait. You're in for a treat tonight."

With that, I rose and began to undress him, stripping him of his tie and shirt, then his pants, and leaving him with nothing but his socks. I directed him to put his hands behind the chair and used his belt to bind his wrists together. With his tie, I blindfolded him, leaving him to endure the teasing of his senses as I began to work on his erect and straining cock.

My tongue traveled the length of his cock, teasing the head, circling it, and then making its way down to his balls, licking every inch like a thirsty kitten, purring all the while. He had his head back, enjoying each and every sensation, moaning when I finally, hungrily took his entire cock in and out of my mouth.

I took my bra off and pressed my tits together, sandwiching his thick cock in between my tits and massaging his shaft with them. He groaned in pure pleasure. I turned and began rubbing my ass and my pussy against him, grinding it into his lap, letting him feel the silk of my panties begin to get wet with my arousal. His wrists began to struggle against the belt that I had fastened around them, and I could tell it was taking some incredible self-control on his part not to break free and ravish me.

"Wait," I said, "You've got to do one thing before I let you free, my dear."

"I'll do anything you ask," he said.

"Kiss my ass, you fucking bastard." I took his blindfold off, straddled him backwards, and offered my thick, juicy ass to his lips, bending over and forward so that his face was completely overshadowed by my ass.

He buried his face in my ass cheeks, ravaging them with his mouth, moving his head back and forth and jutting his tongue in and out, licking my asshole, making me moan. My pussy got soaking wet as he did this, and it was my turn to feel some loss of control. I backed my ass into his face even more, slowly grinding and thrusting, moaning even louder now. His tongue traveled down to my cunt, and he lapped at it, thrusting his tongue in and out of my pussy, sucking on my lips, tasting all my juices like it was an elixir he needed to survive.

"Oh god, I'm cumming," I yelled, and he probed even further, breathing heavily now, breaking free of the belt that once held his wrists and grabbing me by my hips in time to experience my mind-blowing orgasm right in his face. "Oh fuck," I yelled. "You need to fuck my ass now!"

With that, he grabbed my waist, stood up, and bent me over the table, spreading my ass cheeks and spitting on my asshole, taking his cock in hand and forcefully entering me, causing me to scream in both pain and pleasure. In seconds, I was moaning, feeling the tremendous ecstasy of a thick, hard cock up my ass, and I began to meet his thrusts, both of us grunting like animals in heat. He came quickly and violently, and as he did, it was only a matter of seconds before I came as well, completely and utterly undone by the way he expertly fucked me.

His body fell over on top of mine, and we lay bent over the table, exhausted and satisfied, his hands pinning mine down, smiles across both of our faces.

Is It Just Me...

...or is this voting ad hot???



For some reason, black tape makes Jessica Alba so much more attractive to me.

How Grey Does Your Garden Grow?

OK, here's a TMI tidbit: I recently discovered I have not one, not two, but AT LEAST four or five pubic hairs that have gone gray. In my attempts to mask that fact and make myself feel young again, I've become quite obsessed with shaving down there and making sure that I sport the oh-so-trendy, oh-so-sexy, youthful Brazilian wax look at all times.

Now that we've got that out in the open, and I trust that you're sufficiently grossed-out, let's talk about aging. I'm 35. Turning 36 in a few weeks (eek!). A few gray hairs on my head are fine; I've dealt with that since I was in my early 20s, and each time I fish out those scraggly white strands, I either stare in wonderment at this strange product of my otherwise youthful body or I look in the mirror and start to see myself fifty years from now, and suddenly my imagination goes wild. I begin to wonder how deep those thin wrinkles around my eyes are going to get and if and when I'll suddenly stop caring. I imagine how they will undoubtedly multiply over the years, and I picture my mother and grandmother staring back at me, bags under my eyes, glaucoma setting in, and moles aplenty dotting the eroding landscape of my face. And then I wonder if my husband, who I assume will be in the rocking chair next to me (awwww), will still look at me one day and feel lust for my decrepit, wrinkly, old body and if he'll get turned on when I take out my dentures. (He'd call me Gummo.)

It's a weird thing, aging. There is a point in your life when it ceases to be "growing older" and finally becomes the stage called "aging," when instead of thinking that you're getting better with age, you fear the moment when your body suddenly turns sour and people might look at you and feel nothing but pity. Or worse, ignore you altogether.

Slate Magazine recently published a special issue on old people, replete with articles from the senior perspective and tackling issues that will undoubtedly be causes for concern among our aging baby boomer populace. One particular article got me thinking -- entitled "Naughty Nursing Homes: IS IT TIME TO LET THE ELDERLY HAVE MORE SEX?" -- what will sex be like at 70 or 80? Will I still want it, perhaps even more than I do now? Will the nursing home I'm in be one big swinger convention? And the gray pubes -- (sorry, stunning visual alert!) well, will I be shaving my pussy even then? Y'know, cuz it'd be like petting a hairless kitty?

This article was truly eye-opening. There are quite a few oversexed seniors out there, and unfortunately they're being denied the right to have sex, mainly because of liability and the fear of lawsuits on the part of the nursing homes. Some seniors are even being denied the right to conjugal visits from their significant others, which I think is downright appalling. This is obviously an issue that needs more media attention, but I fear that our ageist culture will get too grossed out by the notion of grandma and gramps getting it on in the bingo room.

It's something we have to come to terms with eventually. Just like our graying pubic hairs and deepening wrinkles.

Sex Ed for Dummies

I can't help myself. I said I wouldn't talk about all this election season shit again, but here I am, and like everyone else in the blogosphere, I've got to put my two cents in and state my opinion as if those of you reading (all two of you) really do care what the fuck I think.

The only good thing to come out of this McCain-Palin love affair is that FINALLY the media is starting to focus on the severely ignored and oft-shortchanged topic of sex education. Admittedly, it's a hotbed issue, challenging middle America's puritanical sensibilities, testing our liberal smugness, and forcing us to realize that the way we deal with sex in America is something short of ignorant, immature, and idiotic. Don't agree? Watch this video about how they deal with sex education in Holland, and you'll quickly concur: The Dutch do it openly, at school, and often...and it seems like that's the way it should be done. (I'm printing that on a bumper sticker, by the way. Only, it will read, "...and they make good cheese.")

Last week, the op-ed piece in the New York Times, entitled "Let's Talk About Sex," points out that,

"We need to take some bold steps beyond the borders of our moralizing and discomfort and create a sex education infrastructure that actually acknowledges reality and protects our children from unwanted pregnancies, or worse."

Amen, brother! Finally, some sense in the world.

What enrages me, more than anything else, is the fact that the McCain-Palin camp is painting the idea of "sex education" as something horrible and degenerate, almost as horrific as the L-word itself. (L as in Liberal) Here's their latest attack ad:



In it, they state that Obama endorsed "comprehensive sex education" to kindergartners. The Huffington Post outlines what the ad says and sets the record straight, outlining Obama's true stance and reporting Obama's response to the attack. Let me point out that the ad, like so many right-wing, backward-thinking policies, appeals to people's ignorance and fear. They ask, "Learning about sex before they learn to read?" (gasp! oh the horror!), as if liberal priorities are askew and amoral. Someone needs to tell the McCain camp that kindergartners often learn to masturbate before they learn to read, too. But that's beside the point.

What is clear, and what we need to have a forthright discussion about, is the fact that the U.S. has the second highest teen birth rate among 46 developed countries, and U.S. teens are less likely to use contraception than their international counterparts, despite the fact that their sexual habits are pretty much the same. More alarming is the fact that cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis in the U.S. have all been on the increase in the past few years, putting teens more at risk than ever before.

But, those aren't the things you hear. What you do hear are the same, tired mantras that people who are ignorant of the facts and who choose to live in denial find comfort in hearing: Teens shouldn't have sex, teens should be taught to abstain rather than be safe, sex education is bad. It's the same message my mom gave me when I was young and innocent, when she was trying so hard to keep me young and innocent and was too ashamed and ignorant to tell me otherwise.

It's our ignorance that the conservative politicians in this election are counting on and hoping for. They want to keep us ignorant of the facts and dazzle us with tales of heroism, woo us with images of a wholesome, outdoorsy, small-town girl, and make us long for the days when women wore chastity belts, men were manly men, and life was like a box of chocolates.

Here's hoping that America isn't as dumb as they think.

Sugasm #145

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #146? Submit a link to your best post of the weekby emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Being Civil

“They couldn’t understand what the appeal of a civil union was for us.”

Clandestine Rendezvous

“He turned around to kiss me and I melted.”

Hotel Sex

“The excitement is too much for both of us”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

You Can’t Make This Shit Up, Part 2

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Let’s Pretend…

Masturbaticon I


Our Peculiar Erotica

“Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain”

Taking Charge of Your Own Pleasure

Tease and Denial: In Defense of Subtlety

Things that make you go Mmmmmm

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Babygate Continues!

Vibrators of the Future

Sex Work

Pillow Humping Cam Pussy

BDSM & Fetish

Arms to the sky

Beads

brock’s Last Task

My surprise for Daddy

Naughty, Naughty…Nice


The New Pet (fiction)

A proper thank you

The Runaround.

Welcome to Kinky Sex Link

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Bare back HNT

HNT - Stripping for the Bath Brush - F/m Spanking Pic

Sasha Grey (NewNudeCity)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

8:55 - On My Way…

Asian massage parlors

Awakening

Brains in her cunt

The “Ex-Pat” Love [2nd. Revision]

Fantasy Friday: Lips Like Sugar


Hausfrau

In the Early Morning Darkness

Not Quite Poetry

On the Back of a Motorcycle

Release

Your first time with me

Fantasy Friday: Why Am I All Wet?

It's nice and sunny here in So Cal...a perfect day for lounging by the pool and soaking up some sun. Today I'm working from home, and since I'm the boss, I can do that kind of thing. Yet, I'm sitting at my desk at home thinking what a shame it is that I'm stuck inside the house on the computer, when I could be enjoying the great outdoors. So I decide to take a little break and lay out by the hot tub, just to get a little color on my cheeks. I've never bothered with a bikini, especially since I'm at home. Nude sunbathing is the best.

I'm sure you know what's "cumming" next. I forgot that my pool guy cleans my pool on Fridays, and he walked through the gate without my noticing. I guess he saw me lying there in all my glory because when I finally opened my eyes, I could tell from the tent in his pants he had seen enough to get him all excited. Poor guy was awestruck though, so I told him not to be shy and come over so I could help him get rid of that bulge in his pants. Judging from how big the bulge was, I knew I was in for a treat.

I knelt before him and unzipped his shorts to reveal what he was hiding in there. It was definitely more than I expected, because I gasped when I saw the enormous cock that stood at attention before me. I immediately grabbed it and stroked it, smiling up at him, telling him what a shame it was that I didn't work from home more often. Putting his cock in my mouth, I licked his shaft up and down, cupping his balls, massaging them, and softly scratching them with my long manicured nails. He began to thrust softly while I sucked, and I could feel the head of his cock gently tapping the back of my throat. Feeling bold, I took all of his cock down my throat, gagging on it, and feeling myself getting wetter each time I swallowed his cock and felt my lips graze his ball sac. I closed my eyes and pictured what it would look like when the cum ran down my lips, down my neck, and how it would feel when I rubbed that sticky cum on my tits. He was getting closer to cumming, and I could feel my pussy clenching at the thought of it. Before I knew it, he said, "Take my cum down your throat." I responded by sucking harder, milking his cock for that sweet cum. He shot that load right to the back of my throat, and I moaned in pleasure, refusing to swallow it so that I could give him the pleasure of watching it run down my chin. The feeling of it on my lips, flowing out of my mouth and down my neck, was pure ecstasy. I could feel myself reaching orgasm as I rubbed it all over my tits, pinching my nipples and fondling them while I reached down to finish myself off. He stood there, watching me rub my clit, the cum sticking to my face and my breasts, glistening in the sun. I came hard, all the while licking the cum off my lips. It was definitely one of the best orgasms I've had in a long time. Free deepthroat video here...

Perfectly Abnormal

A woman in Maine has stolen a sex-ed book from a local library and refused to give it back, stating that she'd rather go to jail than allow the "sexually graphic, amoral abnormal contents" back in the library. Here's the book in question:



Looks innocent enough, right? Well, I'm not sure what to think. If you look it up on Amazon, there are mixed reviews. Child experts give it dazzling reviews, recommending it to every parent and child. Customer reviews, on the other hand, range from outstanding praise to outright attacks, calling it "borderline child porn," with one reader saying that she was "sexually abused because of books like this." Oh my.

Far be it from me to judge a book based solely on its cover (sorry), but I get the feeling that people are outraged by this book simply because it deals with (gasp!) SEX. And, it has illustrations. Even the stodgiest textbooks have diagrams. This is a kids' book; of course it'll have illustrations. Granted, I haven't seen them, and I can't defend a book I haven't seen for myself but, still, wouldn't a perfectly normal child benefit from a perfectly normal discussion about sex in a book that might answer all those questions he or she finds too embarrassing to ask an adult?

OK, enough of all this talk about sex ed. I assume you probably share my views or you wouldn't be reading this fucking blog in the first place, so I'm just preaching to the choir. Which, by the way, what does that phrase mean anyhow? Preaching to the choir? Like the choir don't need no preaching? Isn't that why they go to church in the first place? Alright. I'm done. No more posts on this subject. I promise.

So Much for Family Values

Regardless of what side of the political fence you happen to stand on, one thing is clear: There's nothing like Sex to get all hosts of people talking about you and your campaign. The Scandal! The Hypocrisy! The Sex! The Excuses! The Spin! The Sex!

As we all know, sex has been the downfall of many a politician, whether he solicited the services of a high-price call girl, or had a wide stance, or simply exchanged emails and IMs with an underage page. And that's just in the last few years, people. I could go on and on about the scandals that have dotted - nay, smeared, - the political landscape for decades, in all their strange, fetid forms, the entire world over.

The latest political sex scandal to hit the Internets is that of John McCain's VP pick, Sarah Palin and her 17-year-old daughter, who is unwed, underage, and 5 months pregnant. This, of course, is not the scandal. It is that the daughter of a conservative Republican who opposes sex education where contraception is taught and who favors abstinence-only education, is now in the national spotlight showing the world that teaching abstinence-only just doesn't cut it in getting teenagers to abstain. Teenagers will have sex. Even teenagers who grew up in conservative households. ESPECIALLY teenagers who grew up in conservative households. When will conservatives figure this out?

What I find incredibly ironic is that this particular "sex scandal" has more to do with the issues at hand than any other sex scandal that has plagued a campaign in recent history. Sure, all those politicians who try to cover up their propensities for gay trysts and illicit sexcapades should be chastised for hiding behind ultra-conservative, right-wing dogmas. They are obviously in severe denial and suffering from years and years of sexual repression and pent-up sexual frustration. This is different. This is a case where a politician's beliefs and values are challenged by the very reason she upholds those beliefs and values -- her family, and when there is evidence to support the case for a reevaluation and reexamination of her platform, it is quickly dismissed. Pundits and spin doctors alike chalk it up to the fact that the candidate is indeed "human" and that a mother shouldn't be held responsible for a 17-year-old daughter's faults. Bullshit. Your "family values" are now being put to the test, and all you can do is shrug your shoulders and say "values shmalues, leave us alone" ??? This is hypocrisy at its height.

Enough of me on my soapbox. I just hope this woman isn't elected. Otherwise, we'll have four more years of rose-colored glasses, convenient amnesia, and a government that refuses to see how silly their puritanical policies are.

For an entertaining AND educational podcast on sex, go to The Midwest Teen Sex Show or get your sex questions answered at Scarleteen.com.

Fantasy Friday: Lips Like Sugar

They say almost half of all women experience a "wet dream" at least once in their adult lives, but I've been lucky enough to experience them quite often. Of course, I don't wake up having ejaculated all over myself as men do, but rather I notice the telltale signs -- usually my pussy is dripping wet, and my lips down there feel engorged and full, like I've just been given the best orgasm of my life. I wake up and instantly start playing with myself, feeling the delicious moisture between my legs, even going so far as to taste myself on my fingers as I try to summon up the dreams that brought on such a carnal reaction in me.

This morning was one such occasion. I woke feeling almost a remnant shudder of an orgasm, desiring strongly to fondle myself and to soak my fingers in the erotic juices that my dreams had caused to flow. I closed my eyes and reached down to rub my wet clit, feeling the engorgement and wanting so desperately to feel that tension and release of an orgasm over and over again. I closed my eyes and replayed the dream, writhing slowly to the scenes in my head....

Liz and I had somehow ended up in the bedroom after having a candid and revealing discussion about our sex lives, with me basically blurting out how sexually frustrated I was and how I'd give anything to have someone lick my pussy and make me cum. Liz, being the good friend that she is and a nympho to boot, suggested that I let her do the honors.

"Have you ever had a girl go down on you?" she asked.

"No, but I'm not opposed to it," I replied, looking her in the eye with a mischievous smile, unaware at the time that she was volunteering her services.

Fast forward to the good stuff, where I find myself sitting on the bed with her as she takes my top off, licking her lips in anticipation and straddling my body as she tells me to lie back and let her do all the work. Before I know it, she's flicking her tongue on my erect nipples, causing me to moan, and I involuntarily start rocking my hips up and down as she rubs her body all over mine.

Liz is on top of me, pinching my hard nipples between her fingers and slowly making her way down to my pussy, kissing every inch of me and leaving a trail of saliva right down to my clit. She hovers over my pussy, calling my name and holding my gaze as she inhales my scent.

"God, you smell so good," she says, and I can sense her hunger and intense lust for me, right then and there.

With that, she envelops my clit with her mouth, sucking and licking, flicking her tongue over it until I can't take it anymore. I'm writhing almost uncontrollably now, and at the moment when I feel like I'm going to scream, she takes two fingers, puts them in her mouth, gets them nice and wet, and inserts them deftly into my pussy, all the while worshipping my clit with her tongue. Her fingers fuck me gently at first and then harder as her tongue flicking on my clit gets faster. She's licking and kissing and lapping at my pussy so expertly, I almost want to scream her name over and over again, holding her head in my hands, grateful for these erotic sensations I've missed over these past few months. I can feel the tension rising in me, and I know she senses that I'm going to cum soon, so she holds back slightly, quickly changing positions so that now she's 69ing me, and her glorious pussy is backing on to my face and she says, "Now it's your turn."

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but she has my arms pinned with her legs and she's still working on my clit with her tongue, so there's nothing I can do but lap up her pussy juice and run my tongue all over her soaking, wet pussy. Her pussy lips are the softest things I've ever encountered, and even though I'm not used to the taste, I bury my face into her, losing myself in the sensations I'm feeling all over my body, from head to toe.

"I'm going to cum," I moan...

I play this scene in my head, rubbing myself to orgasm, relishing the fact that I can have such vivid sex dreams. I'm cumming forcefully now as I remember the scene in my fantasy, lying on my bed, feeling the waves washing over me.

Latina Girl on Girl free video clips here.

The Kink Next Door

Happiness is...kinky sex.

So it turns out that two percent of all Australians regularly participate in BDSM, or what some may term "kinky" sex. Shocker alert: those two percent are actually NORMAL, WELL-ADJUSTED human beings! Oh my god, I could have told you that, and I don't even have a degree in psychology nor did I conduct a survey, nor did I do any research. Wanna know how I know? C'mon, ask me. I BROWSE THE INTERNET. I'VE PATRONIZED SEX STORES. I WATCH TV. I'm a normal, well-adjusted member of society, and in the limited contact I've had with other sexually progressive individuals, never have I said to myself, "Jeez, no wonder that nutcase is into kinky sex." Seriously, if the Interweb is any micro/macrocosm of the world today, then we live in a multi-faceted, complex world (or series of tubes) where kink and fetish is just one way we can release our inhibitions, embrace our sexual selves, and indulge our fantasies however intense, painful, or twisted they may be. When you think about it, BDSM and fetishism aren't necessarily "kinky", but rather a natural outgrowth of an ever-evolving sexual landscape. Normal, well-adjusted people exercise their sexuality rather than suppress it, so it seems logical that as your sexuality grows and expands (ahem), then so do your taste and preferences, the "fringe" becomes the norm.

Now before I get too carried away here and write a whole frickin' essay on the topic, let me just provide a case in point: Porn Producers. Ask anyone in the porn industry, Porn Producers and the people who make porn are incredibly normal (boring, even) and lead average, well-adjusted lives. Porn stars don't count, cuz they're, well, they're ACTORS. But the people behind the scenes are completely and utterly so non-kinky it's not even funny. Ask yourself why there hasn't been a good reality show about the people who make porn. They're not what you'd call "good TV." Boring, non-drama, NORMAL. Now you make the connection here between the point I made in the first paragraph and this one because, frankly, my head hurts now and I think I just summoned more brain power in the last 10 minutes than I have in an entire year.

If you wanna read a good article on the subject, one that's a whole helluva lot more eloquent than my response to the issue, then go to Savage Love and read this week's column. In the meantime, Viva La Kink! Viva La Fetish! Now put that ball gag back in your mouth and get on all fours before I spank you.

This Has Nothing To Do with Sex, but Oh Well.

Here's something I don't quite get: Nude bicycling. Even more perplexing: Nude people on bicycles trying to prove a point -- one that, oddly enough, has nothing to do with nudity or bicycles. I mean, I get the whole idea of people getting on their bikes and converging to form a massive brigade dedicated to a certain aim. Why walk when you can bike, right? And I also understand the idea behind shedding your garments to draw attention to your specific cause. Why wear a slogan emblazoned T-shirt when you can flash your boobs AND spray paint your slogan on your ass at the same time, right? But who thought getting naked and riding a bike was a good idea? Obviously someone who's never heard of chafing.

Take the World Naked Bike Ride, for example. Even they admit on their website that it's "the craziest, wildest, most insane event of the year." I know, right? Only crazy people would straddle a hard, vinyl-covered bicycle seat with nothing but sweat between it and their delicate genitalia. The Naked Bicyclists state, "We face automobile traffic with our naked bodies as the best way of defending our dignity..." Um, I think your dignity went out the window the minute you donned a stuffed coyote bicycle helmet and painted racing stripes up and down your naked body...AND THEN, decided to ride a bike naked. (See aforementioned WNBR website for proof of this fashion faux pas.)

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what they're trying to do. Heaven forbid if I should fault them for trying to make a difference in this fucked up world and challenging society's taboos to boot. For me, though, I think I'll protest in a way that's just a little less, I dunno, painful, maybe? Like riding tandem on a recumbent bicycle while someone else pedals and I sit with my bullhorn yelling, "Eat more cock, less meat!"

And that, my friends, is just how strangely my mind works on this lazy Monday afternoon.

Farewell, Beijing.

As I write this, I'm imagining that somewhere in Beijing's Olympic City quite a few athletes are groggily rolling out of bed or managing to scrape themselves off the floor, and nursing their hangovers after a night of decadence and debauchery. Yesterday's article in The Times Online on Sex and the Olympic City got me fantasizing about all those scantily clad Olympians and their hot bodies writhing against each other in what I imagine to be an Olympic Orgy, full of gold-medal blow jobs and relay races involving free condoms, teabagging, and kung pao chicken. Thinking about it makes me want to take up some obscure event like trampoline gymnastics and try for the 2012 games just so I could wear a hidden camera and catch "Olympians Gone Wild" on video. Hell, if I could have sex with a trampoline gymnast, then it would all be worth it. Or sex with a gymnast on a trampoline. Or even sex with an Olympic gymnast. Or just a gymnast. Not even an Olympian. I'll take what I can get. How bout just sex on a trampoline? Anyone?

Fantasy Friday: Is It Cold in Here?

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Your Headlights are On

This might be Too Much Information, and I know I run the risk of getting attention from all those fetishists for large nipples when I say this, but my nipples are huge. How huge are they, you ask? Well, you know those fembots from the Austin Powers movies? Y'know, the evil robots whose boobs were actually machine guns and whose nipples were actually shotgun barrels? Well, like that, only TEN TIMES BIGGER. If my nipples were detachable, my nursing 6-month-old would be choking on nipple pellets the size of gumballs when she eats. Put it this way, "nipple play" has taken on a whole new meaning for my husband and me. It is now an Olympic event.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the large nipples. I've always wanted larger nipples and, of course, my husband (ahem) enjoys them. It's just that, if this were winter and 30 degrees colder than it is now, I could double as a coat rack and hang purses and shit from my mammary protrusions. I think it has to do with pumping. As in pumping breastmilk. That god-forsaken contraption called the breast pump has quite the suction, and by the time I'm done, woooo-hooo! Watch out world! Watch out anyone in my direct path! Watch out people with two functioning eyeballs! It's rather scary, if you ask me.

I always fantasized that larger nipples would signal the beginning of a whole new arena of sex play for my husband and me. (Imagine cupless bras, nipple clamps and, I dunno, lots of tit-fucking, maybe?) Unfortunately, the only reason I have these larger nipples is because of The Child, who we've subsequently nicknamed "The Coitus Interrupter." I secretly think she realizes how she got here in the first place and has vowed to never let mommy and daddy do that ever again.

So, I have unusually large nipples, virtually no opportunity to enjoy them (save for the few occasions where I sit and stare in amazement), and a sex life that is overshadowed by the wonderful world of Parenthood. Perhaps I should just take photos of The Nipples and sell them on the Internet. There's a market there, right? The Child (or C.I., as I call her) will never have to know how I funded her college education. If I can't enjoy them, someone should. Right?

Happy Hump Day, everybody!

Boozy John and the Thieving Whore

If I were smart enough and had more creativity than the ounce that I struggle to keep now, I would create a mildly successful and wildly entertaining screenplay based on the Adventures of Boozy John. Who's Boozy John you ask? Well, I'll tell you. He's the 38-year-old guy who woke up one morning and told himself that he needed to change his loser status. He rolled out of his futon, yelled at his mom to leave him alone, and looked in the mirror and said, "John, enough of this life of Taco Bell every night and bootleg porn to while away the lonely hours before dawn. You've got to make a change." So, in a moment of spontaneity, he decides to get a $62,000 cash advance on his credit cards and, intending to spend the cash fairly quickly, stuffs all of it into a duffle bag. Then, cash in tow, Boozy John gets on his bike (yes, his BIKE) and rides to the local bar, indulging in numerous glasses of cognac (because, y'know, he's rich now, and HE'S CLASSY). Unfortunately, John fails to realize how intoxicating 12 glasses of cognac can be, and drunk off the power of 62,000 crisp one-dollar bills in his bag and the hard liquor now marinating his liver, Boozy John decides to get a hooker. Not just any hooker, mind you. He had to find one that was willing to hop on the handlebars of a ten-speed operated by a drunk, middle-aged bicyclist reeking of cognac and Taco Bell. (Believe it or not, a hooker like that isn't hard to find. Trust me, don't ask me how I know.) Enter Jessica Garcia, a 30-year-old streetwalker who was willing to duck into an abandoned building and give Boozy John a $30 blow job. After one whiff of his stale breath, Jessica senses an opportunity, especially after Boozy John boasts of his ability to cum in 2 seconds and slurs in her ear that he had $62,000 in cash in his duffle bag. Before you know it, dear readers, John is out cold, fly unzipped, cum stains on his corduroys, bike stolen, and the duffle bag nowhere to be found.

I wish I could say this were my story, but (as they say) truth is stranger than fiction. Don't believe me? Here's the article: Cops: Hooker swipes $62G from boozy john. My only question is, couldn't he have splurged on a cab or, I dunno, a savings account? I can only hope that he got a good blow job at least. Perhaps he and the would-be porn inspector should get together and write their own screenplay based on their lives. It would be the first porno based on a true story.

Happy International Swingers Da...huh? That was yesterday?

Apparently, someone forgot to give me the memo. Yesterday was International Swingers Day. Which means you are required, by law, to find an international swinger and fuck the hell out of him/her. Too bad I missed the actual day of celebration. That and the fact that I don't know any International Swingers. I just keep picturing some extremely tan, swaggering Frenchman wearing a cowboy hat and clogs and braids in his chest hair. Why? I dunno. My mind does strange things sometimes.

Anyhoo, hopefully swingers around the world found other swingers around the world to play with. There seem to have been parties all around the country (the International Swingers Day website list parties concentrated mostly on the East Coast and in the South...there's one in Dallas, Texas, that is "Celebrating Margie's Years of Service". I'm afraid to ask.

Fantasy Friday: CFNM Fun

There's nothing like a good CFNM Fantasy. In case you're wondering, CFNM stands for Clothed Female, Naked Male, and for those naughty women who like being in the position of control, and for those naughty men who like to bend over and take it, CFNM truly fulfills those wild fantasies.

Today's fantasy involves this not-so-far-fetched scenario: Three hookers encounter a customer who's full-on cute and horny as hell, but flat broke. What's a hooker with a heart of gold to do? Why, jack him off fully clothed, of course. And while she's at it, why doesn't she just enlist the help of her two bored hooker friends too? They're more than willing to tease and titillate the poor, sex-deprived john. I could go on and sarcastically spin this CFNM tale, but you'd much rather watch it wouldn't you? Click here.

Ode to Park Bench

Ode to Park Bench

Your planks are like the rafts of my imagination
Your legs sturdy yet sublime
Your chipped paint, the memories of infatuation
Your holes, so luscious and divine

I want to fuck you, Park Bench
There is no other way to say it
I want to cum all over your
Pigeon shit-splattered wood
I want to fuck you, Park Bench
I'm weird, I can't deny it
But, god, you make me feel so good

Man who had sex with park bench cut free

That's One Way to Get Free Porn

At least you could say this guy was resourceful. He had a fake police badge in his toy chest, a flair for the dramatic, and a hardcore addiction to porn. The leather brace on his left arm should've been a tip-off, people. That and his ponytail. And the fact that he was driving a red Dodge neon. What self-respecting officer would drive a Dodge neon? I can only imagine that the leather brace on his wrist was his attempt at trying to look cool while at the same time providing some sort of therapeutic relief to his overworked left hand. Resourceful AND prudent. I so wanna meet this guy.

Man claimed he was detective to obtain porn

Thongs and Cottage Cheese. Don't Ask.

There's nothing that screams purity more than THONG UNDERWEAR. From the geniuses on the far right of the political bell curve come a product that all those pre-pubescent, confused, and sexually awkward American teens can wear with pride and subsequently get labeled with the reputation of "cock tease" for the rest of their high school career. Yes, people, that's right. Abstinence thong. A product marketed specifically to all those girls who have ass sex in order to "save themselves" for their wedding night. The company that makes these doesn't call it underwear, it's an "under-goodie." As in, goodie-goodie? As in, "Oh, goodie! I get to read the words, 'I Abstain' on this chick's panties instead of licking her clit!"??? Like, what the hell does "under-goodie" mean anyway?

The only way a thong can promote abstinence is if it's worn by some 300-pound dominatrix with cottage-cheese labia and the propensity to drool at the sight of salami. Ha! I just made myself laugh. Cottage-cheese labia.

Blame It On the Child

Dear Readers (Yes, All Two of You. I see you hiding back there.),

It's amazing how quickly time flies. I looked at the date of my last posting, and hard to believe, it's been over a year. I registered the domain name "pinkartichoke.com" back then, failed to renew the registration, and alas, it has now been snatched up by someone with an affection for the actual vegetable. So, we're stuck here in Blogspot Land, with a less-than-exclusive domain name, and a year's worth of sex-related high-jinks and foibles to make fun of, and a whole lotta explaining to do.

Well, first off, there's the issue of daily postings. Daily postings are nice, in theory. I told myself I'd keep up on this blogging stuff and post everyday, think of funny things to say quickly and without hesitation, generate a loyal following of readers, and create enough traffic to support myself and my husband for the rest of our lives. Easy shmeasy, right? Of course, I didn't take into account my own undeniable and ever-present laziness, nor did I factor in the true and unspoken and unwritten law that when you're not getting paid to work, the work somehow suffers.

Secondly, within this space of a year that this blog has remained untouched (and unread, for that matter), I got sperminated, knocked up, and gave birth to a lovely, bouncing, baby girl. You'd think that in the nine months that I was preggers, I'd have some desire to plop my overweight and overburdened body down and think up some funny shit, but noooooo. Life happened, and I had no desire to keep up with it AND keep up with a blog, too.

Anyway, that's all I want to say about all that. Let's move on to the future, shall we?

I have a child now, and one of the things I want to teach her is perseverance. Eventually, I'll teach her about sex, and hopefully she'll have inherited some of my and my husband's twisted senses of humor, but for right now, I'll teach her perseverance
and show her that Mommy can take care of her all day long, keep up with life, AND keep up with a blog, too.

So, here I am. I'll be posting on a semi-quasi-regular basis now. Fantasy Fridays might not be every Friday, but they'll be there. Sex and laughter shall ensue. As it always does on a regular Saturday night in my house. (OK, maybe on every 3rd Saturday of the month, if I'm lucky.)