Oh, Hai. This is my blog.

It's Fantasy Friday. I'm devoid of fantasies at the moment. Unfortunately. All I can say is that the world of mommyhood and an invigorating sex life, be it in print or for reals, are two mutually exclusive things right now. Perhaps I should start a blog entitled "Celibate Mom" or "The Day My Sex Life Died" or "How My Baby Stole My Heart and My Libido". For the life of me, I can't seem to let my mind get to a sexual place and dwell in the candlelit haze of erotic tale-spinning. Maybe it's the fact that I'm totally and completely obsessed with this election and any free time I have is devoted to reading as much political information I can get my grimy, spit-up covered, drool infested hands on. Either that or I'm just so fucking tired.

Seriously, am I a freak? Does this happen to other moms out there? Or am I just some lame female who can't juggle being a stay at home mom and having a semi-normal life all at the same time? Don't answer that.

A Slight Case of Blogger's Block

What do you do when you can't think of anything to write about? Write about it, of course! So here I am, completely devoid of any original thoughts, blogging about my desolate mind, wondering why I feel like the world of sex is so incredibly boring right now. It's not, really. In fact, more and more people are looking for sex during these uncertain times, what with the recession and talks of a Depression, financial markets on the edge of ruin, and the election taking a nasty turn. And just today, ABC News uncovered NSA military telephone operators allegedly eavesdropping on personal phone calls by military officers, including but not limited to phone sex calls and pillow talk between officers and their significant others. And in other news, Coke is the new spermicide, Jamie Lynn Spears is supposedly pregnant again, and Betty White finds Barack Obama extremely sexy.

So you see, I could blog about any number of things, but I'm too fucking lazy and lack the energizing creativity at this particular moment in my life. I'm trying to channel all my inspiration into a Fantasy Friday post, so stay tuned.

Top Ten Reasons to Be In the Porn Industry

Top ten reasons to enjoy porn - Spotlight

Number 10 -- Your porn name. Need I say more?
Number 9 -- You can "help an insecure person not feel alone during sex."
Number 8 -- You can be "comical" while still pursuing a serious career in acting.
Number 7 -- Things like lingerie and manicures and makeup can all be tax deductions (for a woman this is HUGE).
Number 6 -- You can finally tell people what your ass tastes like.
Number 5 -- You give dumb college students a topic to write about for their school newspapers.
Number 4 -- Your "horrible boob job" and "some what distorted body" might encourage other women to seek out a more "legitimate" career path.
Number 3 -- You get paid to have sex. And you don't have to stand at the corner of Sunset and Vine or have dinner with a guy who spits while he chews.
Number 2 -- Everyone secretly wishes they were you.
AND
Number 1 -- You're probably smarter than this dumbass who wrote the article referenced above, and you're not paying thousands of dollars in tuition just so you can work in a cubicle someday.

Technorati Tags: porn, porn industry, top ten

Beyonce? Really?

AskMen.com - Top 99 Women 2007



OK, so AskMen.com recently published their list of the Top 99 Desirable Women of 2007. I have several problems with this. One, 2007 is only 4 months old. If they want to prematurely publish this list before the end of the year, be my guest, but I'm just saying. Who knows? Maybe some buxom bombshell will fall out of the sky in mid-July. Then they'll feel really stupid. Second, who are these men that they're asking? The website claims that "more than 8.5 million votes were cast over a six week period." Was each vote a unique vote or was it simply the result of an overzealous obsessed fan who has a thing for Scarlett Johansen? The reason I ask is that the list is somewhat interesting. Reese Witherspoon and Cameron Diaz were among the rejects. Which I don't quite understand since Jennifer Love Hewitt was on their Top 99 List. Their number one reject from the list was Britney Spears, which I actually applaud. She's not even on my list of Top 10,000. Many of the women on this list are people I have never, ever heard of. A whole lot of them are models, and funnily enough, NONE of them are porn stars. WTF? This is my third reason for having a problem with this list. If you look at the actual revenues of the porn industry, that alone is proof enough that porn stars are some of the most desirable women in the world. Maybe AskMen.com wanted to avoid "controversy" by not nominating any porn stars, but give me a break. I know quite a few of them would be in MY Top 99. Lastly, their number one desirable woman out of the 99 listed is....BEYONCE. Really? I mean, she's hot and all, and yeah, she can sing, and she has an amazing ass. But, IMO, definitely not No. 1.

Check Out Those Lady Lumps

Tittle-Tattle: Fergie Has Experimented With Lesbian Relationships - The Post Chronicle
My humps. My humps. My lovely Lady Humps. Maybe there's more to that stupid song than I originally thought. Fergie likes those lovely lady lumps in the back and in the front. I apologize for getting that tormenting tune in your head, but apparently this is news people. Fergie has had (gasp!) sex with other women. And again, I apologize for getting that horrible image in your mind. I'm picturing Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson all over again, only with more crystal meth and collagen injections.

Picture courtesy of Perez Hilton


Technorati Tags: fergie, lesbian sex, bret michaels, pamela anderson, my humps

God Bless Us, Everyone...Well, Three of Us

Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

Either this is some really great April Fool's Day prank, or Christians can interpret pretty much any passage in the Bible to support their beliefs. This is some really fucked up shit. Here's basically what the article says: It's ok to have a threesome, as long as it's not two men and one woman (Homosexuality is evil!) and the two women in the threesome can engage in lesbian sex as long as they maintain female stereotypical roles of submissiveness, look like women (i.e. wear lipstick and have a high-pitched voice), and still obey the male. And I quote,...

...we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable if it meets these conditions: It must be composed of one man and two women, all of whom recognize and maintain proper sex roles for men and women in and out of the bedroom. All married members of the threesome must consent to the arrangement and have consent from their spouses. And finally, the purpose of the relationship must be that it ultimately strengthens the existing bond between husband and wife and allows all three parties to share and celebrate their love of God together.

I attempted to find out who the author of this groundbreaking bullshit is, but to no avail. There are also links to God's view on oral sex, anal sex, and of all things, fisting. You may find your jaw dropping as you read this stuff, so beware. But most of all, know that God is looking down on you in pleasure as you fuck your wife's best friend silly.

Technorati Tags:threesomes, sex and god's will, christian sex, hypocrites

Lick my Purity Balls, Baby

Would you pledge your virginity to your father?: News: glamour.com

So this is somewhat disturbing and VERY weird. These Purity Balls have gained popularity among right-wing evangelical Christians and spurned them on to promote chastity and virginity among their youth in a fashion that's a cross between a debutante ball and a weird Mormon marriage ceremony. If you read the article, you'll see that these fathers want to protect their dear little daughters against the big, bad sex monster, pledging to fight for their chastisty while the daughters promise to remain pure. My guess? Half of these 15 year olds have probably already sucked a guy's dick or held one in their hand, while a small percentage of them probably have had anal sex. But, of course, that doesn't count. Any self-respecting Catholic girl will tell you, taking it up the ass is the best way to ensure you're telling the truth at confession and the best way to prevent the death of the maiden -- pregnancy. I believe that these girls will "wait until marriage" just like I believe that Paris Hilton will remain celibate for a year. Puh-leeese. I feel sorry for these young women. Granted, they may have incredible relationships with their fathers, but their future husbands are going to have a lot to contend with and way more than that to live up to. AND once their marriage starts to go awry, these has-been virgins will go out whoring to make up for lost time, and not even do it safely cuz they never were taught how to in the first place, for fear that it would make them promiscuous. God help us. God help us all.

Technorati Tags: purity ball, celibacy, virginity, chastity, sex advice, anal sex, sex education, Paris Hilton

One More Reason to Love Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore Does Jane Magazine | Celebrity News Live!
Yes, I realize I have been remiss in mentioning Paris Hilton in my blog posts of late, but do not fear! She will return, just like she always does. In the meantime, I am going to follow up yesterday's post about Courtney Cox with another celebrity-based post (sorry!). Cuz you know, some days I just don't feel like writing an essay on teen pregnancy or sex fetishes.

My high school obsession with Drew Barrymore has now resurfaced. Granted, she's been quite the media whore lately, gracing the covers of Glamour magazine and the like and making me quite nauseated with this upscale and chic persona. Whatever happened to the breast-baring, flower child, I-don't-give-a-fuck Drew Barrymore that I grew up loving and idolizing? Well, she's not forever lost. In the new issue of Jane magazine, Drew talks about how free-thinking she is when it comes to sex, and suddenly, I feel like I'm back in high school again. Then, in other news, Jane editor Jane Pratt reveals that she once had a sexual relationship with Drew (like that's a surprise?!) in what looks to me like a silly attempt to sell more magazines. I always knew that Drew was bisexual. She may not admit it or identify herself as that, but I sense in her the soul of a truly sexual being, enjoying the activity whether it be male or female or David Letterman. Or Courtney Love for that matter. BTW, I always thought there was some threesome action going on with Drew, Courtney, and Mr. Edward Norton. And another aside, what kind of man goes from Courtney Love to Salma Hayek? An obviously talented one, of course. Anyway, I think I've dropped enough celeb names in this posts to get me maybe a dozen more readers. So, thanks for indulging my sudden reinfatuation with Drew and my complete surrender to the vacuum that is Hollywood.

Technorati Tags: Drew Barrymore, Jane magazine, bisexual, sexual freedom, Courtney Love, Edward Norton, Salma Hayek, David Letterman, celebrities

The Kiss Heard Round the World

I hate to admit it, but I was curious. Just like everyone else. But, I'll save you the time and hassle and tell you it's nothing to be excited about. Jennifer Aniston plays herself just as she usually does in every fucking role she has, and Courtney Cox looks like she specifically got collagen injections for this scene. The kiss is lame, totally non-erotic, and so not worth the hype. Best friends kissing, big fucking deal. Give me some hot asian lez action with full on licking and fingering and shit like that, and then come talk to me.

Technorati Tags: Courtney Cox, Jenifer Aniston, lesbian, kissing, dirt

No Truer Words Were Ever Spoken

For Guy Virgins: Basic Things No One Told Me About Sex

When I read this article, I picture some pimply-faced, skinny, paler than dust white guy who just got his braces off typing furiously at his computer. This was the same guy who, in high school, sat next to me in the back of the room in geometry class and passed around old copies of Penthouse to his geeky friends while I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disgust. Still, I've got to hand it to him, he pretty much wrote a manifesto to all his geeky friends in this article. Dispelling all the myths one might have about sex (if the only sex they've had is in front of a TV set with Mrs. Palmer and her five friends), this article pretty much gives it to the reader straight, no-nonsense, and to the point. From the messiness of the situation to minor injuries you might sustain while having sex (usually general clumsiness), you get it all outlined here. The only thing he forgets to mention is that not all women look like porn stars. Not all women have huge fake titties and walk around in 8-inch heels and thong bikinis. If he wants to include some basic things about sex, then he should probably touch upon the importance of being able to find a clit, regardless of how small it is or how much she keeps saying, "It really doesn't matter, I liked it anyway." In fact, here's my version of what I would tell Guy Virgins about sex: You'll probably cum in 5 seconds, be really nervous, and need an entire box of condoms before you can get one on right and be hard enough to do anything. But, relax. All you really need to know is how to make a woman feel special, like she's the only woman on earth, that you'd do anything to please her, and well, that your entire goal is not to lose your virginity but to worship her body like there were no tomorrow. That, my friend, is a surefire why to get any woman to act like a porn star and make all your porn fantasies cum true.

Technorati Tags: guy virgin, masturbation, sex, clit, how to please a woman

Beware of What Happens After Dark

First of all, Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! If you aren't suffering from indigestion because of too much corned beef and cabbage or nursing what's sure to be a nasty hangover from too much green beer, consider this: Wikipedia. Now, it may seem like I'm new to the concept of the Internet and all this new-fangled technology, but I am amazed by what you can learn from Wikipedia these days. For example, that the comedian Sinbad is dead. That's news to me. Or that John Siegenthaler, the founding editorial director of USA Today, was responsible for the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy.

If you're aware of the infamous mistakes that have gone uncorrected on Wikipedia, then it will not comfort you to know that there is now an adult version of the site, called Wiki After Dark. Actually, I don't know how long it's been around, but I just recently stumbled upon it after following a link about Nasal Sex. I think it's great that you can learn about such things on the World Wide Web, in the comfort of your own home, wondering silently to yourself if the person who contributed the article has ginormous nostrils. But, I'm somewhat disturbed by this wealth of information. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against it, but I don't want impressionable young pre-teens coming across incorrect information and upholding it as truth. Nor do I want horny, desperate perverted men with nothing better to do with their time contributing such articles just for kicks. 'Cuz I kinda get the feeling that these might be just the people who do write the articles for this site. Case in point: An article entitled "The Tricks and Treats" where stupid pet tricks like the Dirty Sanchez and the Veal Cutlet are listed and enumerated in detail. I'm picturing Dustin Dimond aka "Screech" having a light-bulb-above-his-head moment at his computer one night, and thus, a star was reborn.

There are, however, some good points to having sites like Wiki After Dark. Guys can learn how to go down on a girl without having to ask their dads and they can also learn how to shave their pubic hair without having to discreetly ask their older sister how she waxes her bikini line. So far, the only articles I've come across are obviously directed towards men -- how to's on titty fucking, eating a girl out, and giving a facial are just to name a few. Maybe now, my little brother will stop stealing my pornos and start using the computer to actually learn something, just like everyone else.

Technorati Tags:adult, wiki, after dark, sex advice

No Child Left Behind and What Else I Did on My Summer Vacation

Apparently, the myth that teachers are a puritanical bunch with good morals and strong convictions with a deep sense of right and wrong, is all a bunch of horseshit. Excuse my language, but lately I've been noticing quite a few headlines about teachers getting arrested for corrupting 14 year olds, performing lewd acts with students, having sex with their pupils, and god knows what else. I know we have a shortage of teachers, but for fuckssake people! Did we somehow manage to hire only from a pool of horny, pathetic, desperate and undersexed women?

This is a matter close to my heart, because yes, I am a teacher. (Shh...don't tell anyone). I taught middle school for a few years and then moved to elementary, and now, while I'm in the process of getting my Master's Degree in Education, I write a blog about sex. OK, so I'm not one to talk. BUT, I do not, nor have I ever, entertained the thought that one of my students could be my lovers. Like, EWWWWW.

Top 5 reasons: (drum roll, please)...

Number 5 - They smell. Almost like B.O. laced with really bad cologne from the drug store or just plain old pre-pubescent stink and morning breath cocktail. Which is sooo not good.

Number 4 - They were born in the 90s. They never watched an episode of the REAL Charlie's Angels, and have no concept of what a typewriter or rotary phone are. Conversation would revolve around their MySpace page and them bragging about how many friends they have. BOOOORRRRING.

Number 3 - Said conversation would probably take place via text messaging. And I'm not that good with my thumbs.

Number 2 - I'd get really tired of having to buy them booze.

and

Number 1 Reason why I would never date my students:
IT'S ILLEGAL AND WRONG.

Granted, there are some things that I like to do that are illegal in some states and "wrong" in some people's minds, but children are off-limits. The thought that these teachers are putting a stain on the teaching profession by committing these acts infuriates me, and the fact that they've forever changed the lives of these kids for the worse instead of the better, makes me want to spit.

But, I'd like to end on a positive note. For every one of these sex offenders, there are at least 100 good teachers and 50 great teachers and possibly even 10 exceptional teachers who work their asses off and really do make a positive difference in many children's lives. And, I know of at least one teacher who is extremely smart, sexy, knows how to have ADULT fun, and could probably teach you a thing or two. She writes a really great sex blog and can swing with the best of 'em. Anyone need lessons?

Technorati Tags:teacher, lewd acts, sex, sex offenders, sex news