Ode to Park Bench

Ode to Park Bench

Your planks are like the rafts of my imagination
Your legs sturdy yet sublime
Your chipped paint, the memories of infatuation
Your holes, so luscious and divine

I want to fuck you, Park Bench
There is no other way to say it
I want to cum all over your
Pigeon shit-splattered wood
I want to fuck you, Park Bench
I'm weird, I can't deny it
But, god, you make me feel so good

Man who had sex with park bench cut free

But, Officer, I'm a PORN STAR.

Article about the Porn Star's liaison with a complicit highway patrol officer and excerpts from her blog detailing the events...

Technorati Tags:porn star, barbie cummings, dirty cop

Double Trouble

ABC News: Identical Twins Caught in Paternity Flap

In my opinion, this woman who is suing twin brothers for paternity, should've known that "dating" twin brothers was a recipe for disaster. I mean, didn't she ever watch any episode on TV that involved guest appearances by twins? Whole sitcoms have been built around twins, because there's such drama and angst inherent in twin sibling pairings. This woman should've known. I have no sympathy for her because, frankly, I think she's rather dumb. Proof #1 -- She had sex with one of the twins AFTER A RODEO. She got drunk, attended a rodeo, and banged on the twin's door asking for sex. I guess the twin wasn't that good because a few hours later, she goes to see the other twin and has sex with him. Proof #2 -- She obviously did not use protection in either instance. But my real beef is with the twins. Neither of them both want to end up paying child support, and since their DNA is identical, paternity can't really be determined. All this courtroom drama has caused a rift between them, caused anguish for their poor mother, and made a little 3-year-old girl realize what assholes her daddy and uncle really are.

Technorati Tags: evil twins, paternity

Hump Day Lady Lumps

FresnoBee.com: Local: Crowning moment


"John-ny! John-ny! John-ny!" That's what Fresno's Roosevelt High School prom attendees started chanting when the prom queen was named on Saturday. They wanted a prom queen, they got a prom Queen. I must say, Johnny Vera looks pretty darn good as a woman. Like she could give Paris Hilton a run for her money. And, according to the article, the title was well-deserved because of Johnny's winning attitude and an Oprah-esque positivity that would probably make all the goth kids stand around in a coven circle and puke. She's the first and only transgendered prom queen in America. Unfortunately, the lesbian at Fresno High School who ran for prom king didn't get the win there. Maybe that's because the ones who vote for the prom king and queen are usually the cheerleading and yearbook staff girls who are fine with guys who look hotter than them, but when it comes to bull dykes, they have no mercy. All this begs the question...what's with the high schoolers in Fresno?? Is Fresno really the bastion of social change and acceptance that big cities like San Francisco and Seattle have to contend with now? Fresno?? Really??



Technorati Tags: transsexual, transgender

An Interesting Twist on an Old Story

Local News | Jury acquits Spanaway man of bestiality charge | Seattle Times Newspaper

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm creative enough to come up with such an interesting way to tell your husband you want to call it quits. Call me crazy, but there are more civil ways to do it than calling up the police and telling them you caught him fucking the family dog. More civil, but not as interesting. The wife must have wanted to get back at her husband in a bad way causing her to think up such a thing. He was the first person in Washington state to be tried for a new law making bestiality a felony. Poor pit bull, caught in the middle of all this mess.



Technorati Tags: bestiality

That Sucks

Throat cancer linked to HPV infection

First it was cervical cancer that we had to worry about with HPV (human papillomavirus), and now, it's throat cancer.

The sexually transmitted human papillomavirus causes some throat cancers in men and women, and oral sex increases the risk, U.S. researchers say.

Even though getting throat cancer is extremely rare in most cases, it gives us one more reason to use condoms and urge our young women to get the HPV vaccine. Because, really, that's the last thing they want to worry about when they're giving head behind the bleachers of the middle school soccer field.


Technorati Tags: HPV, sex

You're Not Fit to Wear the Uniform

Police take down stripper's particulars for impersonation - Yahoo! News


So, this stripper gets taken in and booked for impersonating an officer, when really he was just dressed in his requisite stripper uniform, getting ready to do an act. But I guess the two female plain-clothed officers decided he just wasn't doing the uniform justice. This is the scene I imagine:

Outside a bar, two plainclothes female police officers parked in a car across the street are just finishing a stake out. There is a small line outside the bar, and a few people are near the door talking and smoking. One of those people is a 24 year old blonde guy dressed in a cop uniform, who moments before had just arrived.

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) Hey, it looks like there's a cop on duty here at this bar.
Female Cop 2: You serious? Maybe he got a call about a fight or something. (gets a closer look at the officer) He doesn't look familiar. But, fuck, he's hot. Look at that ass.
Female Cop 1: Let's go fuck with him.
Female Cop 2: And do what?
Female Cop 1: I dunno, break his balls a little. Maybe get his number. (smiles)

She gets out of the car, and the other female cop follows. They walk across the street together, Female Cop 1 definitely in control. The blonde uniformed cop has his back to the two as they approach the bar. Female Cop 1 walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

Female Cop 1: Officer, do you have a badge?
(The uniformed cop turns around, obviously taken aback, with a look of confusion on his face. His shirt is unbuttoned, showing off much of his tanned, muscular chest.)
Stripper: Excuse me? I'm not really a cop; I work here.
Female Cop 1: (showing her badge) My name is Officer Cagney. This is my partner Officer Lacey. Do you have ID on you?
Stripper: (incredulous) You're kidding, right? I don't carry ID, I'm a stripper. All I got on is this uniform and a really tight speedo.
Female Cop 1: (eyeing him from head to toe) That's a pretty authentic looking uniform. We thought you were a cop that's why we came over here.
Stripper: No, I'm not. I just work here. My routine is coming up next. You're welcome to come in and watch if you'd like.
Female Cop 1: Well, sir, you're gonna have to prove you are who you say you are, otherwise we'll have to take you in.
Stripper: Take me in? For what?
Female Cop 1: Impersonating an officer.
Stripper: Are you kidding?? Do I fucking look like a real officer to you? My shirt is missing three buttons and my badge says 'Property of Women' on it.
Female Cop 1: Sir, just prove who you say you are, and we'll leave you alone.
Stripper: (shaking his head) Fine. Come in and watch. If I give you an extra good show, will you leave me alone?
Female Cop 2: (jumping in before the other cop can say anything) Yeah, if you give us an extra good show.

(They all walk into the bar. The cops take a seat at an empty table while the stripper heads to the stage. The room is full of hooting, drunk women, whistling to the stripper as he walks by. The DJ announces the stripper as the lights flash and a police siren goes off and the sound of NWA's 'Fuck tha Police' is played in the background.)

DJ: And now....Ladies put your hands up and beg for mercy....because...it's the police fantasy you've all been waiting for....Welcome to the stage...your hot cop in a uniform....EROS!!!!!!!!

(crowd goes wild)

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) He better be fucking hung, otherwise, I'm taking him in.


Anyway, you get the idea. The poor stripper gives them his version of an "extra good show" but lacks the girth or length to garner a pardon from the female cops. They probably thought they were doing the world a favor by not letting this guy do his strip routine.

Technorati Tags:cop fantasy, impersonating a cop, stripper

We Don't Need No Water, Let the Motherf***er Burn

ITV News - Firemen mistaken for strippers

It was an honest mistake. If I was watching a strip show, I too would have thought I hit the jackpot when not one but a whole team of firefighters came bursting through the doors ready to quench fire. OK, so the fire they were going to quench was not in my loins but in the back room where the actual stripper got a little carried away with the lighter fluid for his own fireman routine. But I seriously wonder how many of those firemen were just a little tempted to put on a little show for some extra cash. Not a bad side job, dontcha think?

Technorati Tags: firemen stripper, firemen routine, strip show

Sign Me Up!

The Daily Record - NEWS - WONDER PILL FOR WOMEN

Whoever thought of making a pill that would increase your sex drive AND help you lose weight is GENIUS. Pure Genius. If this is really the wonder drug that it says it is, it could just be the medical breakthrough of the decade and women will be popping these pills left and right much like 70-year-olds have been with Viagra. Granted, it would be nice to see a cure for cancer or Alzheimer's, but with the current administration, progress in those areas has been delayed.

Technorati Tags: wonderpill, sex drive

And So the Name Game Begins...

'I Abhor Injustice,' Alleged Madam Says - washingtonpost.com

I can't wait to see who else is on this D.C. Madam's list. So far, one deputy secretary of state, Randall Tobias, has resigned after confirming that he used "gals...to give me a massage." Hmmmmm, with a happy ending perhaps?? The thing that irks me about all this is not that a public official hired escorts, but the idea that this public official is in charge of overseeing abstinence-only programs abroad. When will this administration ever learn, like any good Christian, that they've got to practice what they preach?

Technorati Tags: D.C. Madam, prostitution

Horny Nutcrackers

The Sun Online - News: Queen's Guards in X-rated film

Apparently, those infamous Queen's Guards -- you know the ones that wear the red uniforms and funny hats and guard the Queen of England -- are a bunch of raunchy, horny, naughty little wankers. A few of them got really drunk, in their uniforms of course, and shot an x-rated video of them baring their asses, slapping each others butts, and participating in some wankeroo with each other. In my mind, it's not really the activity that got them fired, it's the fact that they videotaped it and allowed the incriminating evidence to land in the wrong hands. Besides, how could you NOT get horny just looking at those fucking hairy, phallic hats? As much as these soldiers stand and walk around like robots, they're just human for fuckssake. And they're fucking sexy. I always had a thing for the Nutcracker. Just the name alone gets me all hot. Oh Baby.

Technorati Tags: queen's guards sex, horny nutcracker

You Can Actually Get Paid for That?

SEXUAL 'GOFER' VS. BOSS By DAREH GREGORIAN - Regionalnews - New York Post Online Edition

So this woman is suing her ex-boss because she claims he made her buy lube and organize his nude pics and set up fuck buddy dates for him on business trips. I don't know about you, but I'd actually LOVE to get paid to do stuff like that. Forget filing - BOOORING. I'd much rather be browsing sex shoppes than typing up a form letter, thank you very much. Personally, I don't see what she's so worked up about. Lame.

Technorati Tags: sexual gofer, secretary

Bravo New York!

New York's risqué condom campaign. - By Bonnie Goldstein - Slate Magazine

Kudos to New York for launching a safe sex campaign, giving away free condoms, and promoting responsible behavior in a variety of languages for the city's population.

While some might consider this a "risqué" move on the part of New York's mayor, Michael Bloomberg, I feel that it's smart, necessary, and significant for one of our nation's largest and most trend-setting cities to finally acknowledge the fact that people have sex and should be taught how to do it responsibly.

Now, hopefully, people will continue that responsible behavior and throw their used condoms in the trash instead of discarding them nonchalantly in the already littered streets of New York.

Technorati Tags: condoms, NYC condoms, safe sex

God Bless Us, Everyone...Well, Three of Us

Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

Either this is some really great April Fool's Day prank, or Christians can interpret pretty much any passage in the Bible to support their beliefs. This is some really fucked up shit. Here's basically what the article says: It's ok to have a threesome, as long as it's not two men and one woman (Homosexuality is evil!) and the two women in the threesome can engage in lesbian sex as long as they maintain female stereotypical roles of submissiveness, look like women (i.e. wear lipstick and have a high-pitched voice), and still obey the male. And I quote,...

...we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable if it meets these conditions: It must be composed of one man and two women, all of whom recognize and maintain proper sex roles for men and women in and out of the bedroom. All married members of the threesome must consent to the arrangement and have consent from their spouses. And finally, the purpose of the relationship must be that it ultimately strengthens the existing bond between husband and wife and allows all three parties to share and celebrate their love of God together.

I attempted to find out who the author of this groundbreaking bullshit is, but to no avail. There are also links to God's view on oral sex, anal sex, and of all things, fisting. You may find your jaw dropping as you read this stuff, so beware. But most of all, know that God is looking down on you in pleasure as you fuck your wife's best friend silly.

Technorati Tags:threesomes, sex and god's will, christian sex, hypocrites

Guess What I Have in my Pic-a-nic Basket, Yogi.

: Vaginal bear trap protects women against rape

For all those devious, vengeful, and self-obsessed women who give the rest of us a bad name, this product would be perfect. I, on the other hand, see no point to it other than giving me something to blog about today. Apparently, the inventor of this product believes that putting this bear trap/condom up your pussy will keep would-be rapists at bay, but the only thing it protects the woman from is actual penetration of a penis - or a finger. It does not protect her from the actual violence and invasion that precedes the act, nor does it deter men from, say, fucking you up the ass. OK, so I'm being a bit cavalier about the topic, but this whole snare up my snatch thing just doesn't bode well with me. What happens if I forget it's up there and my lover happens to fancy sticking his finger up my cunt? Or maybe his tongue? I'm picturing something akin to getting yourself caught in a mousetrap or even worse, getting your penis caught in a mousetrap. How do you explain that to your urologist?

Technorati Tags: condom, rape, rapist, weird, safe sex

Number 5 on List of Dangerous and Disturbing Jobs

The Sun Online - TV: A jumbo tusk for scientists

MASTURBATING an elephant in the cause of science isn’t an easy job – just ask wildlife expert Dr Thomas Hildebrandt.

Just touching a jumbo penis – they measure more than 1.5metres when aroused – can have painful consequences as German scientist Dr Hildebrandt reveals.

He said: “One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis."

How'd you like to be the guy with the black eye having to explain to everyone how he got whacked in the head by an elephant's dong?

It’s a messy business as he massages Jackson’s prostate gland to produce 300ml of semen per orgasm – the equivalent of a can of Coke – which has to be airlifted in giant condoms across America to Christy.

Dumbo cumshot takes an eye out. News at 11.

When you think about it, this scientist should be applauded for doing the "hands-on" work necessary to keep our wildlife thriving. Actually, I find his job more noteworthy and noble than, say, being a car salesman or Paris Hilton's publicist. It would just be more difficult to explain on a resume.

Technorati Tags: elephant, cum, wildlife preservation, Paris Hilton

Hookups = Serious Hangups?

Book on Women's Sex 'Hookups' Draws Fire

Is "Hooking Up" such a bad thing? When we think of our younger generations engaging in casual sex, it seems like it should be. We refuse to acknowledge that our teenagers engage in sex just like we refuse to acknowledge the fact that our parents have sex or that our horny, unneutered dog has just knocked up every bitch in heat in our neighborhood.

If you're in your 40s, 'hooking up' might mean catching a friend downtown for lunch. But to people in their teens or 20s, the phrase often means a casual sexual encounter _ anything from kissing onwards _ with no strings attached.

Now a new book on this not-so-new subject is drawing fire in some quarters for its conclusion: That hookups can be damaging to young women, denying their emotional needs, putting them at risk of depression and even sexually transmitted disease, and making them ill-equipped for real relationships later on.

Is it the hookups that can be damaging or the society that frowns upon women engaging in casual sex the damaging factor? Doesn't this tell you that it's important, now more than ever, to provide frank and honest sex education to our children, instead of candy-coating it with the directive that they should just abstain and that's that? Shouldn't we be providing opportunities for young women to learn more about their potential and find alternative ways to boost their self esteem? There are too many conflicting messages out there for young women, too many images that tell them that their value is based on sex. They should learn that sex is a wonderful thing, but learning how to make your own responsible decisions is even better.


Technorati Tags: hookup, hooking up, teenage sex

Excuse Me, DC Madam, But You're Standing on My Cum-Stained Robe

Feds Seek To Gag D.C. Madam - March 7, 2007

Here's the story: Washington D.C. Madam gets caught for running an "escort service" that provided more than just a pretty date. Madam gets arrested on charges of racketeering and money laundering. So, the Madam and her lawyers threaten to go public with phone records of her customers, as well as other juicy information about her clientele. The prosecution turns around and files a motion to prevent her from doing such a thing and at the same time make sure that any evidence entered into court may be used for discovery but will not be a matter of public record.

I smell another Heidi Fleiss in the making -- she should start printing T-shirts now and make an appointment with a publicist so she can milk this for all it's worth. While it may be nice and tidy and comfortable for the prosecution to, in effect, suppress evidence, there is absolutely no reason for this judge to sign this motion. So what if certain Supreme Court justices might be implicated? To hell with protecting our corrupt congressmen's reputations. They willingly and knowingly engaged in an illegal transaction and should not be immune to the public ridicule that comes with such behavior.

What I'd really like to see is the world's oldest profession to finally get its due and be recognized as a legal business that has every right to make money as selling porn on the Internet or being Paris Hilton. But we all know that's not gonna happen. So, just leave the evidence alone, let the DC Madam sell her little black book on eBay, and expose those johns to the enquiring minds who so desperately want to know.

Technorati Tags: prostitution, madam, law, hookers

Payback's A Bitch

Police: Man left DVDs of ex-girlfriend in sex acts on car windshields - International Herald Tribune

RICHMOND, Virginia: Police say a man sought revenge against his ex-girlfriend by leaving homemade DVDs of her performing sex acts on car windshields throughout the area.

The DVDs include the woman's name, address and phone number.

Police said the woman never realized the acts had been recorded and has received several visits and phone calls from strangers seeking sex.

Technology makes all things possible. What will they think of next?

Technorati Tags: payback, sex news, adult dvds