Best Porn Ever

This may be the best porn I've ever seen:

Originally found on The Slog.

Well, it's Tuesday, and I have nothing in particular to blog about, sexual or otherwise. I could tell you about the time I lost my virginity, but that would be boring and pathetic. So instead, here's a nice comic:


toothpastefordinner.com

I currently have three cats and two websites. I'm working on the bumper stickers.

Fantasy Friday: Ahoy, Matey!

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Heheheh

It's an iceberg. In the shape of a penis. A cockberg, if you will. Heheheh.



Giant ice penis -- is climate change to blame?

Boozy John and the Thieving Whore

If I were smart enough and had more creativity than the ounce that I struggle to keep now, I would create a mildly successful and wildly entertaining screenplay based on the Adventures of Boozy John. Who's Boozy John you ask? Well, I'll tell you. He's the 38-year-old guy who woke up one morning and told himself that he needed to change his loser status. He rolled out of his futon, yelled at his mom to leave him alone, and looked in the mirror and said, "John, enough of this life of Taco Bell every night and bootleg porn to while away the lonely hours before dawn. You've got to make a change." So, in a moment of spontaneity, he decides to get a $62,000 cash advance on his credit cards and, intending to spend the cash fairly quickly, stuffs all of it into a duffle bag. Then, cash in tow, Boozy John gets on his bike (yes, his BIKE) and rides to the local bar, indulging in numerous glasses of cognac (because, y'know, he's rich now, and HE'S CLASSY). Unfortunately, John fails to realize how intoxicating 12 glasses of cognac can be, and drunk off the power of 62,000 crisp one-dollar bills in his bag and the hard liquor now marinating his liver, Boozy John decides to get a hooker. Not just any hooker, mind you. He had to find one that was willing to hop on the handlebars of a ten-speed operated by a drunk, middle-aged bicyclist reeking of cognac and Taco Bell. (Believe it or not, a hooker like that isn't hard to find. Trust me, don't ask me how I know.) Enter Jessica Garcia, a 30-year-old streetwalker who was willing to duck into an abandoned building and give Boozy John a $30 blow job. After one whiff of his stale breath, Jessica senses an opportunity, especially after Boozy John boasts of his ability to cum in 2 seconds and slurs in her ear that he had $62,000 in cash in his duffle bag. Before you know it, dear readers, John is out cold, fly unzipped, cum stains on his corduroys, bike stolen, and the duffle bag nowhere to be found.

I wish I could say this were my story, but (as they say) truth is stranger than fiction. Don't believe me? Here's the article: Cops: Hooker swipes $62G from boozy john. My only question is, couldn't he have splurged on a cab or, I dunno, a savings account? I can only hope that he got a good blow job at least. Perhaps he and the would-be porn inspector should get together and write their own screenplay based on their lives. It would be the first porno based on a true story.

Ode to Park Bench

Ode to Park Bench

Your planks are like the rafts of my imagination
Your legs sturdy yet sublime
Your chipped paint, the memories of infatuation
Your holes, so luscious and divine

I want to fuck you, Park Bench
There is no other way to say it
I want to cum all over your
Pigeon shit-splattered wood
I want to fuck you, Park Bench
I'm weird, I can't deny it
But, god, you make me feel so good

Man who had sex with park bench cut free

If Only My Foot Had a Vagina

JT's Stockroom - SiFeet Pussy Foot
Ah, the wonders of technology. Now, not only are you able to buy silicone feet to jack off to, but the feet come with a built-in vagina. Who would ever want to fuck real feet again?

Technorati Tags: foot fetish, pussy foot

You're Not Fit to Wear the Uniform

Police take down stripper's particulars for impersonation - Yahoo! News


So, this stripper gets taken in and booked for impersonating an officer, when really he was just dressed in his requisite stripper uniform, getting ready to do an act. But I guess the two female plain-clothed officers decided he just wasn't doing the uniform justice. This is the scene I imagine:

Outside a bar, two plainclothes female police officers parked in a car across the street are just finishing a stake out. There is a small line outside the bar, and a few people are near the door talking and smoking. One of those people is a 24 year old blonde guy dressed in a cop uniform, who moments before had just arrived.

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) Hey, it looks like there's a cop on duty here at this bar.
Female Cop 2: You serious? Maybe he got a call about a fight or something. (gets a closer look at the officer) He doesn't look familiar. But, fuck, he's hot. Look at that ass.
Female Cop 1: Let's go fuck with him.
Female Cop 2: And do what?
Female Cop 1: I dunno, break his balls a little. Maybe get his number. (smiles)

She gets out of the car, and the other female cop follows. They walk across the street together, Female Cop 1 definitely in control. The blonde uniformed cop has his back to the two as they approach the bar. Female Cop 1 walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

Female Cop 1: Officer, do you have a badge?
(The uniformed cop turns around, obviously taken aback, with a look of confusion on his face. His shirt is unbuttoned, showing off much of his tanned, muscular chest.)
Stripper: Excuse me? I'm not really a cop; I work here.
Female Cop 1: (showing her badge) My name is Officer Cagney. This is my partner Officer Lacey. Do you have ID on you?
Stripper: (incredulous) You're kidding, right? I don't carry ID, I'm a stripper. All I got on is this uniform and a really tight speedo.
Female Cop 1: (eyeing him from head to toe) That's a pretty authentic looking uniform. We thought you were a cop that's why we came over here.
Stripper: No, I'm not. I just work here. My routine is coming up next. You're welcome to come in and watch if you'd like.
Female Cop 1: Well, sir, you're gonna have to prove you are who you say you are, otherwise we'll have to take you in.
Stripper: Take me in? For what?
Female Cop 1: Impersonating an officer.
Stripper: Are you kidding?? Do I fucking look like a real officer to you? My shirt is missing three buttons and my badge says 'Property of Women' on it.
Female Cop 1: Sir, just prove who you say you are, and we'll leave you alone.
Stripper: (shaking his head) Fine. Come in and watch. If I give you an extra good show, will you leave me alone?
Female Cop 2: (jumping in before the other cop can say anything) Yeah, if you give us an extra good show.

(They all walk into the bar. The cops take a seat at an empty table while the stripper heads to the stage. The room is full of hooting, drunk women, whistling to the stripper as he walks by. The DJ announces the stripper as the lights flash and a police siren goes off and the sound of NWA's 'Fuck tha Police' is played in the background.)

DJ: And now....Ladies put your hands up and beg for mercy....because...it's the police fantasy you've all been waiting for....Welcome to the stage...your hot cop in a uniform....EROS!!!!!!!!

(crowd goes wild)

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) He better be fucking hung, otherwise, I'm taking him in.


Anyway, you get the idea. The poor stripper gives them his version of an "extra good show" but lacks the girth or length to garner a pardon from the female cops. They probably thought they were doing the world a favor by not letting this guy do his strip routine.

Technorati Tags:cop fantasy, impersonating a cop, stripper

WTF???

How many nude asian chicks can you fit in a telephone booth

God, I love the Japanese. They've done absolutely everything, I mean EVERYTHING, you can possibly do in a porno. While watching this video is not particularly the kind of thing that would get me all hot and bothered, it sure made me laugh. Try and guess how many Asian chicks they ended up fitting into a telephone booth. Go ahead, try.

Technorati Tags: japanese porn, nude asian chicks

He Bought the Cow and Died Trying to Get the Milk for Free

Cambodian kicked to death by unaccommodating cow - Unusual Tales - Specials

How sad is this? Some old guy in Cambodia decides that Old Bessie, the cow with the great hind end and huge udder, is looking mighty sexy. So in the attempt to fuck the cow, he dies, suffering from fatal injuries to the head and the groin. I guess Old Bessie wasn't having it. Tsk, tsk. So there's a lesson for you kids. Make sure you wear protective gear when you decide to have sex with a cow.

Ummm...

Skoften.net - Je weet toch



I'm not sure WHY someone would do this, but it's definitely a picture essay if I ever saw one. Make sure to scroll down slowly. I'm sure if you had videotaped me while I was looking at this, you would have seen the progression of my eyes bugging out of my head. Enjoy!

Skoften.net - Je weet toch

True Dat

Beware of the penis power, ladies. And god forbid if that penis power done ejaculated into yo brain. Lord, have mercy!

Alexyss Tylor, an Atlanta public access TV host, says that she doesn't have a master's degree or PhD in academia, but she does have "a master's degree in being played by men, used by men, told everything I want to hear to get me into positions..." Thus, Vagina Power, her local public access talk show (where she does mainly ALL the talking), is born.

If you have the 10 minutes to spare to listen her spew out her so-called teachings, you might find yourself laughing out loud in some spots, especially at her trusty sidekick.

Technorati Tags:vagina power, penis power, sex teaching

The Language of Love

I know I've been posting some fluff lately -- celebrity shit and comic videos -- no REAL entries about the world of sex and everything in it. Maybe it's the mood I've been in lately; I kinda don't want to think about everyday life and the weighty issues that surround us. Just give me a 2-minute video from YouTube that'll make me laugh out loud, and I can rest in peace. Besides, most of you readers don't wanna hear me rant, you just want Fantasy Friday everyday (which, by the way, this week's post should be good). Anyway, until tomorrow, here's more fluff to keep your mind off work and how much sex you're NOT getting.

Technorati Tags:fuck my ass

Greatest Headline Ever

Angry girl takes bite out of Hamburger | Metro.co.uk

I love this headline: "Angry girl takes bite out of Hamburger." Some guy from Hamburg got more than he bargained for when he wouldn't just let the girl dance.

A German girl who could not get an admirer to stop bothering her in a Hamburg disco unzipped the man's flies, pulled out his penis, put it in her mouth - and then almost bit it in half.

I've been assaulted on the dance floor before (for some reason, big black guys with hard ons seem to sneak up behind me right when I'm getting my groove on), but I don't think I've ever been mad enough or drunk enough to want to bite a guy's dick off. A word to the wise: beware of strange women who suddenly go down on you on the dance floor.

OK, so today's post has nothing really to do with sex, but I couldn't help but post the headline.

Technorati Tags:severed penis, angry girl

The Saddest Handjob

Here's a bit of comic relief in preparation for Hump Day.

Via: VideoSift

Does any of this sound familiar? If I were Louis C.K.'s wife, I dunno how happy I'd be with his characterization of me. Now, if he looked like Dane Cook,...

Did Dane Cook steal Louis C.K.'s material?

Technorati Tags:Louis C.K., saddest handjob, comedians, Dane Cook

What I Like to Do on a Lazy Sunday Afternoon

I Think I'm Turning Japanese, I Really Think So

I've got to hand it to the Japanese. They sure are an inventive bunch. Still, it's hard to believe that the same land that gifted us with the wonders of sumo wrestling, samurai, and sushi has also infected the viral video network with a Japanese Kitten Rock Band, Live Action Pac-Man, Robot Exercise, and now finally, a video demonstrating an Asian School Girl Fart Fetish.

The Japanese are wonderful fetishists. Hentai, Shibari, Bukkake, Omorashi, and Even This...all widely recognized and celebrated by the Japanese. Now, we can add fart fetish to the list. (I'm not exactly sure what the Japanese word for that is.) Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Technorati Tags:japanese sex, fetish, fart, hentai, bukkake, omorashi, shibari, asian school girl, viral video

Look What I Can Do, Ma!

I have always envied men and their penises. The ability to pee standing up has got to be one of the top 5 advantages of being a man. Being able to cum on a woman's face might be a tad bit better, but I'm not sure about that. But I digress.

This product, the P-Mate, finally gives women what they've been wishing for every Christmas since they were out of diapers. My only question is, why didn't I think of this? Apparently, some genius Dutch woman beat me to it.

The greatest thing about this product is that you can use it more than once. Yes, you heard me. Just like a penis, jiggle it a little, stick it back in your purse, and you're set for another 100 miles on the freeway. Unlike that crazy astronaut, now women don't have to resort to wearing diapers when they have to make a trip cross-country. Granted, they'll have to stand at the side of the road and endure honks and comments like, "Shake that penis, Shemale!" from passers-by, but who cares? I, for one, would do almost anything to be able to point and shoot like my male counterparts. Now I just need to work on the cumshot...

Technorati Tags:pmate, cumshot, diapers, urinal

And Another Thing...

Car sex man enjoys sex with cars - Metro.co.uk

In stunning news that will have wide ranging implications for many years to come, a man has been found who likes having sex with cars.

The details of mechanic Chris Donald's alleged romantic vehicular liaisons have been unearthed by (naturally) The Sun - who claim that in addition to a large number of cars, Mr Donald has also done the dirty with two boats and a jetski.

Mr Donald apparently says that his sexual fetish may have been triggered by formative childhood experiences watching Knight Rider.

'When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars,' he says. 'As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way.'

Dear Lord, Thank you for the wonderful bounty you have bestowed upon me. You are so gracious. Only You, in your infinite wisdom and wicked--nay, blessed--sense of humor could have allowed me the fortuitous websurfing that I encountered today. Why, it was only yesterday I was blogging about vehicular fetishes and the logistics of fornication with an automobile. And today, miraculously, what do I find in my news aggregator but this stunning news that will have wide ranging implications for many years to come. A man, perhaps lonely but most assuredly brave, inspired by the groundbreaking and mind-altering action/drama TV classic Knight Rider -- this truly courageous and emboldened man -- has declared his sexual proclivities to the world, and yes God, I am truly grateful for it. Now if You could only do something about that heinous Hilton girl, then my life will be spent in complete and utter servitude to You. Amen.

Technorati Tags: fetish, car sex, Knight Rider, Hilton, weird

The Pink Artichoke and The Onion

Sexual Tension Unbearable Between 15-Year-Old, Rest Of World

MELBOURNE, FL—A series of looks and non-looks from almost everyone he encounters on a daily basis has led Keith Ness to wonder if the feeling is mutual.

I love The Onion. As I was perusing articles in the Blogosphere, I came across one that I thought might bring a twinkle to your eye. Enjoy.

Technorati Tags:the onion, sexual tension, teen angst