How Grey Does Your Garden Grow?

OK, here's a TMI tidbit: I recently discovered I have not one, not two, but AT LEAST four or five pubic hairs that have gone gray. In my attempts to mask that fact and make myself feel young again, I've become quite obsessed with shaving down there and making sure that I sport the oh-so-trendy, oh-so-sexy, youthful Brazilian wax look at all times.

Now that we've got that out in the open, and I trust that you're sufficiently grossed-out, let's talk about aging. I'm 35. Turning 36 in a few weeks (eek!). A few gray hairs on my head are fine; I've dealt with that since I was in my early 20s, and each time I fish out those scraggly white strands, I either stare in wonderment at this strange product of my otherwise youthful body or I look in the mirror and start to see myself fifty years from now, and suddenly my imagination goes wild. I begin to wonder how deep those thin wrinkles around my eyes are going to get and if and when I'll suddenly stop caring. I imagine how they will undoubtedly multiply over the years, and I picture my mother and grandmother staring back at me, bags under my eyes, glaucoma setting in, and moles aplenty dotting the eroding landscape of my face. And then I wonder if my husband, who I assume will be in the rocking chair next to me (awwww), will still look at me one day and feel lust for my decrepit, wrinkly, old body and if he'll get turned on when I take out my dentures. (He'd call me Gummo.)

It's a weird thing, aging. There is a point in your life when it ceases to be "growing older" and finally becomes the stage called "aging," when instead of thinking that you're getting better with age, you fear the moment when your body suddenly turns sour and people might look at you and feel nothing but pity. Or worse, ignore you altogether.

Slate Magazine recently published a special issue on old people, replete with articles from the senior perspective and tackling issues that will undoubtedly be causes for concern among our aging baby boomer populace. One particular article got me thinking -- entitled "Naughty Nursing Homes: IS IT TIME TO LET THE ELDERLY HAVE MORE SEX?" -- what will sex be like at 70 or 80? Will I still want it, perhaps even more than I do now? Will the nursing home I'm in be one big swinger convention? And the gray pubes -- (sorry, stunning visual alert!) well, will I be shaving my pussy even then? Y'know, cuz it'd be like petting a hairless kitty?

This article was truly eye-opening. There are quite a few oversexed seniors out there, and unfortunately they're being denied the right to have sex, mainly because of liability and the fear of lawsuits on the part of the nursing homes. Some seniors are even being denied the right to conjugal visits from their significant others, which I think is downright appalling. This is obviously an issue that needs more media attention, but I fear that our ageist culture will get too grossed out by the notion of grandma and gramps getting it on in the bingo room.

It's something we have to come to terms with eventually. Just like our graying pubic hairs and deepening wrinkles.

That's One Way to Get Free Porn

At least you could say this guy was resourceful. He had a fake police badge in his toy chest, a flair for the dramatic, and a hardcore addiction to porn. The leather brace on his left arm should've been a tip-off, people. That and his ponytail. And the fact that he was driving a red Dodge neon. What self-respecting officer would drive a Dodge neon? I can only imagine that the leather brace on his wrist was his attempt at trying to look cool while at the same time providing some sort of therapeutic relief to his overworked left hand. Resourceful AND prudent. I so wanna meet this guy.

Man claimed he was detective to obtain porn

Excuse Me, DC Madam, But You're Standing on My Cum-Stained Robe

Feds Seek To Gag D.C. Madam - March 7, 2007

Here's the story: Washington D.C. Madam gets caught for running an "escort service" that provided more than just a pretty date. Madam gets arrested on charges of racketeering and money laundering. So, the Madam and her lawyers threaten to go public with phone records of her customers, as well as other juicy information about her clientele. The prosecution turns around and files a motion to prevent her from doing such a thing and at the same time make sure that any evidence entered into court may be used for discovery but will not be a matter of public record.

I smell another Heidi Fleiss in the making -- she should start printing T-shirts now and make an appointment with a publicist so she can milk this for all it's worth. While it may be nice and tidy and comfortable for the prosecution to, in effect, suppress evidence, there is absolutely no reason for this judge to sign this motion. So what if certain Supreme Court justices might be implicated? To hell with protecting our corrupt congressmen's reputations. They willingly and knowingly engaged in an illegal transaction and should not be immune to the public ridicule that comes with such behavior.

What I'd really like to see is the world's oldest profession to finally get its due and be recognized as a legal business that has every right to make money as selling porn on the Internet or being Paris Hilton. But we all know that's not gonna happen. So, just leave the evidence alone, let the DC Madam sell her little black book on eBay, and expose those johns to the enquiring minds who so desperately want to know.

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