WARNING!! ADULT CONTENT

WARNING!! ADULT CONTENT
If you were born after 1989, LEAVE NOW.

Monday, June 4, 2007

If Only My Foot Had a Vagina




JT's Stockroom - SiFeet Pussy Foot
Ah, the wonders of technology. Now, not only are you able to buy silicone feet to jack off to, but the feet come with a built-in vagina. Who would ever want to fuck real feet again?

Technorati Tags: ,

Thursday, May 24, 2007

A Different Way to Toss Your Salad




Salad dressing semen spawns trouble - Yahoo! News

Kids do the darndest things. An Illinois youth decided to play a fun-loving prank on the whole school by ejaculating into a bottle of ranch dressing in the high school cafeteria. The judge who sentenced him said the prank was "beyond stupid." The youth's friends, all two of them, said the look on the cafeteria lady's face was "priceless."


Comic courtesy of TOOTHPASTEFORDINNER.COM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

But, Officer, I'm a PORN STAR.



Article about the Porn Star's liaison with a complicit highway patrol officer and excerpts from her blog detailing the events...

Technorati Tags:

Double Trouble




ABC News: Identical Twins Caught in Paternity Flap

In my opinion, this woman who is suing twin brothers for paternity, should've known that "dating" twin brothers was a recipe for disaster. I mean, didn't she ever watch any episode on TV that involved guest appearances by twins? Whole sitcoms have been built around twins, because there's such drama and angst inherent in twin sibling pairings. This woman should've known. I have no sympathy for her because, frankly, I think she's rather dumb. Proof #1 -- She had sex with one of the twins AFTER A RODEO. She got drunk, attended a rodeo, and banged on the twin's door asking for sex. I guess the twin wasn't that good because a few hours later, she goes to see the other twin and has sex with him. Proof #2 -- She obviously did not use protection in either instance. But my real beef is with the twins. Neither of them both want to end up paying child support, and since their DNA is identical, paternity can't really be determined. All this courtroom drama has caused a rift between them, caused anguish for their poor mother, and made a little 3-year-old girl realize what assholes her daddy and uncle really are.

Technorati Tags: ,

Friday, May 18, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Manwich, Part Three or The Old Switcheroo


Read Manwich, Part One
Read Manwich, Part Two

"Thwack!" Lucy squealed in delight just as the green strap made contact with her luscious ass. Immediately, it produced a red mark that would make any domme proud. "Thwack!" In between thrusts, Rob was bringing the green strap down with a minimal amount of force, but the marks it left told otherwise. You could tell Rob was enjoying being the aggressor and Lucy was loving every second of being the submissive. Since Lucy was positioned on her hands and knees as Rob fucked her doggy style, I went around to face her and kiss her in between the beatings with the green strap. She smiled at me, and I asked, "You like that, baby? You like being used like that, don't you?" She smiled again and nodded, then closed her eyes just as the green strap made contact with her ass again.

Sensing Lucy's enjoyment of being the sub, I immediately assumed the role of the domme, ordering her forcefully to lick my cunt while she got fucked from behind. I laid on the bed, spreading my legs wide and staring straight at Rob as he met each of my moans with a thrust. For a novice, Lucy was pretty good at eating pussy, and she managed to expertly finger me while flicking at my clit with her tongue. I fondled my hard, erect nipples as she did this, enjoying how erotic this moment made me feel. I made Lucy look me straight in the eye and I told her, "Now go lick all your pussy juice off of Rob's thick cock."

She immediately did as she was told. I grabbed the green strap from Rob and began striking the back of Lucy's legs with it, pausing only to kiss and lick the marks it left, and then resuming with more force than before. I interchanged this with small little nibbles and bites at her back and shoulders, guiding the back of her head down the length of Rob's cock. After a sufficient amount of time, I ordered Lucy to lie on the bed and spread her legs wide like a good little whore. I handed the green strap to Rob and said, "Now it's my turn to be the sub."

I dove my head in between Lucy's legs, invading her pussy with my tongue and positioning my ass in the air so Rob could now use the green strap on me. With each strike, I smarted back much like Lucy had, and I felt my pussy getting wetter each time. After about three or four lashes with the strap, Rob dove down and began licking my pussy, inhaling my scent and working his tongue in and out and all over so beautifully I felt like I was going to cum instantly.

I stopped licking Lucy's pussy long enough to plead, "Oh, please fuck me. Fuck me."
Rob obliged and slowly entered my waiting cunt, almost teasing me at first and then proceeding to thrust harder and faster. Lucy was on the verge of cumming, I could tell, so I put two fingers in her pussy and began working her cunt and her clit simultaneously so she could reach orgasm. Her back was arched and her chin was thrust up in the air now, and she said breathlessly, "Oh god, I'm cumming, I'm cumming." She moaned and bucked, loudly yelling now, "Oh fuck, Oh fuck."

Rob was fucking me furiously now as well, and it was all I could do to stop myself from cumming as well. I could tell that Rob was holding back as well, trying to extend this before he blew his load prematurely. As Lucy started cumming back down from her climax, I turned around, faced Rob and said, "Now it's your turn to get worked on, baby."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

No, Grandpa, a Nudie Camp is NOT My Idea of Fun




Nudists Try to Attract Younger Following | The Huffington Post

Oh those crazy nudists. They're at it again. Trying to get more people to accept their lifestyle and say, "I'm Here. I'm Naked. And I'm Proud." Apparently nudist camps are starting to look more like New Horizons Assisted Living Facility hopped up on Ecstasy than the hotbed of young, taut, nubile bodies that they really want to attract. So, their solution is to offer discounts to college students and have a mentoring program where young nudists, you know, persuade other young people to be, well, nude. Because, of course, if it were some old guy in a yellow cap and nothing else on, it would be kinda creepy.

The problem with their plan is that their senior marketing managers probably have not set foot into a nightclub or bar recently. One look at all the exposed flesh in one of those places, and you'd think you were at a nude beach. Plus there are more people their age there. It wouldn't be like you were stuck at the bar talking to grandpa and wishing you could trim his ear hair. They already have a place to frolic and prance around in the nude: Burning Man. And Daddy McNudist wouldn't be knocking on their tents at night tellin' em to quit smoking that damn marijuana.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hump Day Lady Lumps




FresnoBee.com: Local: Crowning moment


"John-ny! John-ny! John-ny!" That's what Fresno's Roosevelt High School prom attendees started chanting when the prom queen was named on Saturday. They wanted a prom queen, they got a prom Queen. I must say, Johnny Vera looks pretty darn good as a woman. Like she could give Paris Hilton a run for her money. And, according to the article, the title was well-deserved because of Johnny's winning attitude and an Oprah-esque positivity that would probably make all the goth kids stand around in a coven circle and puke. She's the first and only transgendered prom queen in America. Unfortunately, the lesbian at Fresno High School who ran for prom king didn't get the win there. Maybe that's because the ones who vote for the prom king and queen are usually the cheerleading and yearbook staff girls who are fine with guys who look hotter than them, but when it comes to bull dykes, they have no mercy. All this begs the question...what's with the high schoolers in Fresno?? Is Fresno really the bastion of social change and acceptance that big cities like San Francisco and Seattle have to contend with now? Fresno?? Really??



Technorati Tags: ,

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

An Interesting Twist on an Old Story




Local News | Jury acquits Spanaway man of bestiality charge | Seattle Times Newspaper

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm creative enough to come up with such an interesting way to tell your husband you want to call it quits. Call me crazy, but there are more civil ways to do it than calling up the police and telling them you caught him fucking the family dog. More civil, but not as interesting. The wife must have wanted to get back at her husband in a bad way causing her to think up such a thing. He was the first person in Washington state to be tried for a new law making bestiality a felony. Poor pit bull, caught in the middle of all this mess.



Technorati Tags:

Monday, May 14, 2007

I. C. U. P.




Police: Man had bathroom cameras

As I've said before, there's a fetish for everything. I've blogged about a guy who has a fetish for cars, specifically Knight Rider's KITT car. And then there was the fetish for Japanese schoolgirls who fart in one's face. And now...this. Apparently, some guy in Maine got off on videotaping his family while in the bathroom. 24 hours a day. Without their knowledge. And, if you read the article, the way he was busted is even more strange. Some random motorist with a wireless video monitor in his vehicle caught the live broadcast of someone using the toilet. Now, why would anyone have a wireless video monitor in their car? Maybe there's a fetish for that, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- provided that no one gets hurt in the process.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Fantasy Friday..er..Saturday. Manwich, Part Two.



Read Manwich, Part One.

I looked through the peekhole to make sure it was Rob. His trademark sexy shaved head was right there, and the smile on his face told me that he knew I was peeking out at him. I opened the door widely, wearing absolutely nothing, and his face lit up.

Eyebrows raised, he said, "I guess I'm late. Started the party without me?" He walked towards me, and I leaned in, grabbed him by his waist, and began to unbutton his jeans. Smiling, he started kissing me as I led him towards the bed. He saw Lucy naked on the bed, and said, "Well, hello..."

"Oh sorry," I said, "Rob, this is Lucy...Lucy, this is..." Lucy had brought herself to the edge of the bed, and as Rob held his hand out to shake hers, she went straight for the unbuttoned jeans I had started on and began to unzip them, getting ready to take Rob's cock into her mouth. Rob was already hard by this time, and Lucy grabbed his erect shaft in her hand and wrapped her lips around the head, swirling her tongue up and around it, causing Rob to let out a little moan.

"That's a great introduction," he said, looking at me. As Lucy was busy working on his cock, I began to undress him, taking his shirt off and admiring his muscular physique. I brought his jeans down to the floor, stopping only to squeeze his ass and make him spread his legs a bit so that I could get easier access to those luscious balls of his.

Lucy was working his cock pretty well as far as I could tell. Rob had his eyes closed and his head back, thoroughly enjoying himself. I got on my knees and began to lick his balls, causing further moaning from Rob. His excitement was hard to deny, and Lucy's enthusiasm in sucking his cock was evident. Having tasted her pussy a bit before, I wanted to have more. So while Lucy was working Rob's cock, I went behind her and started licking her pussy, fingering her and thrusting my tongue in and out of her cunt. She came quickly, bathing my face in her pussy juice and trembling slightly from the orgasm that wracked her body. My lips covered in Lucy's cum, I went straight up to Rob and made him lick it up, kissing him and letting him taste the sweetness of Lucy's pussy.

"Did you bring the green strap?" I whispered in Rob's ear.

"You know I don't leave home without it," he said, motioning towards the bag of goodies he had brought with him. Fresh from her orgasm, Rob decided to help Lucy cum again and started fucking her doggy style, watching her juicy ass back up into him and feeling her pussy just grip his cock and ride it up and down. She backed up forcefully on his cock, and Rob could tell that she wanted to be fucked harder. He slapped her ass lightly at first, and after she squealed in delight, he smacked harder the second time. Lucy loved that spanking, and her pussy tightened and clenched on his cock each time he spanked her ass.

I handed Rob the infamous green strap, and he held it in his right hand, ready to paddle Lucy's ass with it...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fantasy Friday - Gonna Make Me a Man Sandwich. A Manwich, if you will.


This story is dedicated to the ThROBster. You know who you are.

While most girls would like an MFM threesome, I actually want an FMF threesome. For those of you not up on the "lingo," that's code for Female-Male-Female. What could be better than that? The best of both worlds...

My hot asian friend, Lucy, who I've always had a thing for, tells me the other day that she wants to share a guy with me.

"Are you serious?" I ask, stunned...and excited.

"Yes, I'm dead serious," she says, looking down. "I've thought about it for a while now...you're my very best friend, and I know there wouldn't be any jealousy or shit like that. I know you're naughty, Lisa." She smiles, looking at me this time.

Aware that there was so much more than that statement in her smile, I smile back, holding her gaze. "Well, yes, I've been known to get a little out of hand."

I tell her that there's a guy that I fuck occasionally who has been talking non-stop about having two girls. "Wouldn't it be great if we could fulfill that little fantasy for him?" I ask.

"Yes!" she says excitedly. "Seriously, Lisa, I really want to do this."

"Well," I say, "I have to warn you...he likes it rough. You know, nothing extreme, but he has this green strap that he uses..."

Lucy interrupts me. "Lisa, I know you've known me for a long time, but there are a lot of things you don't know about me. I really have thought about this for a while now. I just have been too chicken to say anything. But I said it. And now, I have to tell you, I really like it rough too. Really. Rough." She looks at me to make sure that I get what she's talking about.

We stare at each other for a few seconds, a myriad of thoughts running through each of our brains. Finally, I say, "Oh boy, we're gonna have some fun!"



I set up the date, arranging the details...everything from getting a hotel room to buying some sexy new lingerie. I have to admit, the lingerie was more for Lucy than for the guy. I was determined to seduce her and kiss those luscious lips I've fantasized about all these years.

Rob agreed to meet us at the hotel. Lucy and I drove together, looking at each other nervously at times, making small talk. The whole time we were driving and checking in to the hotel, I was hoping she wouldn't chicken out at the last minute.

When we arrived at our room, I asked her, "You sure you wanna do this?"

She looked at me, sighed, and grabbed my face in her hands, planting a soft, wet kiss on my lips. I kissed back, feeling the fullness of her lips on mine, her tongue, tasting how sweet she was and feeling my pussy getting wet as we kissed.

We parted lips and she said softly, "I've wanted to do that for years now."

Instead of voicing my agreement, I quickly opened the door, tossed my bag on the floor, practically grabbing her and throwing her across the bed. I straddled her now, grabbing at her blouse, unbuttoning it, and kissing her furiously. I could feel her nipples harden as I took her breasts in my hands, taking her bra off gently, and lying on my side next to her as I sucked lightly on her nipple.

She moaned softly, arching her back while I caressed and licked her breasts, helping her take her skirt off. I got undressed, feeling the moisture between my legs increase as I watched Lucy touch herself, fondling her nipples and twisting them slightly between her fingertips. I began kissing her stomach, amazed at how soft her skin felt on my lips, making my way down to her pussy. I was glad to see that she was completely shaved, and my lips were starting to water in anticipation. She started to moan louder now, knowing full well where I was headed, and what I was going to do. I put two fingers in my mouth and got them nice and wet. She spread her legs for me, exposing a beautiful pussy with beautiful pink lips and a clit that just called to me. I stuck my tongue out and gently licked, hearing her soft intake of breath as I did this. I worked her clit with my thumb as I licked again and parted her lips with my tongue, making way for my fingers to enter her waiting pussy.

It was just then that we heard the knock on the door.

"That's Rob," I said. "You ready?" I asked Lucy.

"Oh fuck yes!" she said.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

That Sucks




Throat cancer linked to HPV infection

First it was cervical cancer that we had to worry about with HPV (human papillomavirus), and now, it's throat cancer.

The sexually transmitted human papillomavirus causes some throat cancers in men and women, and oral sex increases the risk, U.S. researchers say.


Even though getting throat cancer is extremely rare in most cases, it gives us one more reason to use condoms and urge our young women to get the HPV vaccine. Because, really, that's the last thing they want to worry about when they're giving head behind the bleachers of the middle school soccer field.


Technorati Tags: ,

Blue Moon


Your Honor,
I was drunk. I was on prescribed medication. I had diarrhea.

These were the excuses a New England man gave a judge in March when he was arraigned for mooning people on a bridge. He was fined $500. If only Paris Hilton used those same excuses, she might not be going to jail. Diarrhea is a golden excuse. She should use it when she's in the slammer and she has to mingle with the plebians. Just tell them you have diarrhea, dear. No one will bother you.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

You're Not Fit to Wear the Uniform




Police take down stripper's particulars for impersonation - Yahoo! News


So, this stripper gets taken in and booked for impersonating an officer, when really he was just dressed in his requisite stripper uniform, getting ready to do an act. But I guess the two female plain-clothed officers decided he just wasn't doing the uniform justice. This is the scene I imagine:

Outside a bar, two plainclothes female police officers parked in a car across the street are just finishing a stake out. There is a small line outside the bar, and a few people are near the door talking and smoking. One of those people is a 24 year old blonde guy dressed in a cop uniform, who moments before had just arrived.

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) Hey, it looks like there's a cop on duty here at this bar.
Female Cop 2: You serious? Maybe he got a call about a fight or something. (gets a closer look at the officer) He doesn't look familiar. But, fuck, he's hot. Look at that ass.
Female Cop 1: Let's go fuck with him.
Female Cop 2: And do what?
Female Cop 1: I dunno, break his balls a little. Maybe get his number. (smiles)

She gets out of the car, and the other female cop follows. They walk across the street together, Female Cop 1 definitely in control. The blonde uniformed cop has his back to the two as they approach the bar. Female Cop 1 walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

Female Cop 1: Officer, do you have a badge?
(The uniformed cop turns around, obviously taken aback, with a look of confusion on his face. His shirt is unbuttoned, showing off much of his tanned, muscular chest.)
Stripper: Excuse me? I'm not really a cop; I work here.
Female Cop 1: (showing her badge) My name is Officer Cagney. This is my partner Officer Lacey. Do you have ID on you?
Stripper: (incredulous) You're kidding, right? I don't carry ID, I'm a stripper. All I got on is this uniform and a really tight speedo.
Female Cop 1: (eyeing him from head to toe) That's a pretty authentic looking uniform. We thought you were a cop that's why we came over here.
Stripper: No, I'm not. I just work here. My routine is coming up next. You're welcome to come in and watch if you'd like.
Female Cop 1: Well, sir, you're gonna have to prove you are who you say you are, otherwise we'll have to take you in.
Stripper: Take me in? For what?
Female Cop 1: Impersonating an officer.
Stripper: Are you kidding?? Do I fucking look like a real officer to you? My shirt is missing three buttons and my badge says 'Property of Women' on it.
Female Cop 1: Sir, just prove who you say you are, and we'll leave you alone.
Stripper: (shaking his head) Fine. Come in and watch. If I give you an extra good show, will you leave me alone?
Female Cop 2: (jumping in before the other cop can say anything) Yeah, if you give us an extra good show.

(They all walk into the bar. The cops take a seat at an empty table while the stripper heads to the stage. The room is full of hooting, drunk women, whistling to the stripper as he walks by. The DJ announces the stripper as the lights flash and a police siren goes off and the sound of NWA's 'Fuck tha Police' is played in the background.)

DJ: And now....Ladies put your hands up and beg for mercy....because...it's the police fantasy you've all been waiting for....Welcome to the stage...your hot cop in a uniform....EROS!!!!!!!!

(crowd goes wild)

Female Cop 1: (to Female Cop 2) He better be fucking hung, otherwise, I'm taking him in.


Anyway, you get the idea. The poor stripper gives them his version of an "extra good show" but lacks the girth or length to garner a pardon from the female cops. They probably thought they were doing the world a favor by not letting this guy do his strip routine.


Monday, May 7, 2007

And the World is a Better Place Because of It


Thousands strip off for world's biggest nude photoshoot | the Daily Mail

So Mexico might not have a strong economy or clean drinking water, but they do have donkey shows and now this. Apparently, a Brooklyn artist who uses naked bodies as the subjects of his artwork, filled a whole plaza in Mexico City with 18,000 naked bodies. He even got a man in a wheelchair. And the great thing about the event was that most of the participants saw it as a show of patriotic solidarity rather than a chance to show off their private parts to the world. In between shots, they sang Mexican folk songs. I can't help but think that if there was a photo shoot this big in the U.S., half of the crowd might not even know the national anthem. And then the LAPD would show up and start pelting people with rubber bullets. Ouch.


Technorati Tags:

Sunday, May 6, 2007

We Don't Need No Water, Let the Motherf***er Burn




ITV News - Firemen mistaken for strippers

It was an honest mistake. If I was watching a strip show, I too would have thought I hit the jackpot when not one but a whole team of firefighters came bursting through the doors ready to quench fire. OK, so the fire they were going to quench was not in my loins but in the back room where the actual stripper got a little carried away with the lighter fluid for his own fireman routine. But I seriously wonder how many of those firemen were just a little tempted to put on a little show for some extra cash. Not a bad side job, dontcha think?

Technorati Tags: , ,

Friday, May 4, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Supporting Our Troops, Part I


I've always had a thing for men in uniform. As a toddler, I would wave at cops and call them my boyfriends, and every time I see servicemen in uniform I have to fight the urge to just jump them right then and there. Well, here's my fantasy...

I've been captured by soldiers as an enemy combatant, and they take me into a secluded room for questioning. Tied to a chair and gagged, dressed only in my underwear, they proceed to tell me that I will do as told and that they will have their way with me. They ungag me but still leave me tied to the chair with my hands behind my back. They each take turns sticking their rock hard cocks into my mouth, gagging me and pounding the back of my throat with each thrust. I've had quite a few cocks in my lifetime, but six in a row has set a new record.

They tell me to suck their balls, and lick their assholes, forcing me to do all these things while still bound to the chair. Eventually, they loosen the ties around me and proceed to undress me right then and there. One of them rubs and sucks on my nipples while another takes off my panties gently and then forcefully sticks his tongue right in between my legs to taste the pussy juice that has suddenly soaked me through and through. I knew they were going to have a field day with me, using me and fucking me every which way. But that didn't scare me. What scared me was that I knew I was going to enjoy it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

WTF???



How many nude asian chicks can you fit in a telephone booth

God, I love the Japanese. They've done absolutely everything, I mean EVERYTHING, you can possibly do in a porno. While watching this video is not particularly the kind of thing that would get me all hot and bothered, it sure made me laugh. Try and guess how many Asian chicks they ended up fitting into a telephone booth. Go ahead, try.

Technorati Tags: ,

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Livin' La Vida Loca




Ricky Martin 'shows nude footage at concert'

Ricky Martin. That Wild and Crazy Guy. He showed sexy (gasp!) clips at his concert the other day, shocking fans. AND he apparently used the F-Bomb quite a few times. What the hell is the world coming to?? First Ricky Martin curses and swears and shows sexy video clips at his concert. Next thing you know, politicians and lawmakers will be hiring prostitutes and lying to the public about everything from taking bribes to being gay. The End is Near.

Technorati Tags:

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Adopt a Clitoris




Clitoraid - Sponsor a Clitoris: News

Have you heard The Clitoraid Story? If you have, then I'm sorry. If you haven't, watch the video, look at the website and come to your own conclusions. Sadly atrocities such as ridding a woman of a major part of her womanhood really do happen. Even more sad is that the cause to help clitorises (clitorae?) across Africa has been adopted by none other than whackjob mccracker Rael, leader of the infamous space cadets the Raelians. In case you didn't know, Raelism is a religion started by a former auto racing journalist who believes in UFOs and started the company Clonaid, a "human cloning company." At least, if they do manage to clone humans, we'll know that the women will all have fully functioning clitorises. Thank god...er, Rael...for that.

Technorati Tags: , , , ,

Monday, April 30, 2007

Sign Me Up!



The Daily Record - NEWS - WONDER PILL FOR WOMEN

Whoever thought of making a pill that would increase your sex drive AND help you lose weight is GENIUS. Pure Genius. If this is really the wonder drug that it says it is, it could just be the medical breakthrough of the decade and women will be popping these pills left and right much like 70-year-olds have been with Viagra. Granted, it would be nice to see a cure for cancer or Alzheimer's, but with the current administration, progress in those areas has been delayed.

Technorati Tags: ,

Sunday, April 29, 2007

And So the Name Game Begins...



'I Abhor Injustice,' Alleged Madam Says - washingtonpost.com

I can't wait to see who else is on this D.C. Madam's list. So far, one deputy secretary of state, Randall Tobias, has resigned after confirming that he used "gals...to give me a massage." Hmmmmm, with a happy ending perhaps?? The thing that irks me about all this is not that a public official hired escorts, but the idea that this public official is in charge of overseeing abstinence-only programs abroad. When will this administration ever learn, like any good Christian, that they've got to practice what they preach?

Technorati Tags: ,

Friday, April 27, 2007

Fantasy Friday: From Husband to Man Whore, Chap. 1-3

OK, I'm going to shamelessly plug my new site, Cumluscious, a full-on cum-crazed blog. I started a new story on there, and I'm gonna be lazy and just link to it rather than write a whole new story for this blog. Don't worry, I'll post something erotica-slanted sometime next week, but for now, this'll have to do. Enjoy!

From Husband to Man Whore, Chapter 1
From Husband to Man Whore, Chapter 2
From Husband to Man Whore, Chapter 3

Thursday, April 26, 2007

He Bought the Cow and Died Trying to Get the Milk for Free




Cambodian kicked to death by unaccommodating cow - Unusual Tales - Specials

How sad is this? Some old guy in Cambodia decides that Old Bessie, the cow with the great hind end and huge udder, is looking mighty sexy. So in the attempt to fuck the cow, he dies, suffering from fatal injuries to the head and the groin. I guess Old Bessie wasn't having it. Tsk, tsk. So there's a lesson for you kids. Make sure you wear protective gear when you decide to have sex with a cow.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Horny Nutcrackers




The Sun Online - News: Queen's Guards in X-rated film

Apparently, those infamous Queen's Guards -- you know the ones that wear the red uniforms and funny hats and guard the Queen of England -- are a bunch of raunchy, horny, naughty little wankers. A few of them got really drunk, in their uniforms of course, and shot an x-rated video of them baring their asses, slapping each others butts, and participating in some wankeroo with each other. In my mind, it's not really the activity that got them fired, it's the fact that they videotaped it and allowed the incriminating evidence to land in the wrong hands. Besides, how could you NOT get horny just looking at those fucking hairy, phallic hats? As much as these soldiers stand and walk around like robots, they're just human for fuckssake. And they're fucking sexy. I always had a thing for the Nutcracker. Just the name alone gets me all hot. Oh Baby.

Technorati Tags: ,

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Top Ten Reasons to Be In the Porn Industry



Top ten reasons to enjoy porn - Spotlight

Number 10 -- Your porn name. Need I say more?
Number 9 -- You can "help an insecure person not feel alone during sex."
Number 8 -- You can be "comical" while still pursuing a serious career in acting.
Number 7 -- Things like lingerie and manicures and makeup can all be tax deductions (for a woman this is HUGE).
Number 6 -- You can finally tell people what your ass tastes like.
Number 5 -- You give dumb college students a topic to write about for their school newspapers.
Number 4 -- Your "horrible boob job" and "some what distorted body" might encourage other women to seek out a more "legitimate" career path.
Number 3 -- You get paid to have sex. And you don't have to stand at the corner of Sunset and Vine or have dinner with a guy who spits while he chews.
Number 2 -- Everyone secretly wishes they were you.
AND
Number 1 -- You're probably smarter than this dumbass who wrote the article referenced above, and you're not paying thousands of dollars in tuition just so you can work in a cubicle someday.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Monday, April 23, 2007

No Penis Power Here



My clit is bigger than these guy's penises.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Free Boobies!!!




JANE Guide to Breast Health: Slideshows: janemag.com

Ha Ha, made ya look. Play the JANE Guide to Breast Health Slideshow and you get to see free pics of boobage. Mind you, they're not the kind you're used to seeing in porn and on Spamela Anderson and the like, but they're what you'd see if the chick next door suddenly decided to flash you for beads. I actually applaud this little slideshow and the attempt to make us ordinary women feel grateful that we have above-average sized 34Cs.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Saturday, April 21, 2007

You Can Actually Get Paid for That?



SEXUAL 'GOFER' VS. BOSS By DAREH GREGORIAN - Regionalnews - New York Post Online Edition

So this woman is suing her ex-boss because she claims he made her buy lube and organize his nude pics and set up fuck buddy dates for him on business trips. I don't know about you, but I'd actually LOVE to get paid to do stuff like that. Forget filing - BOOORING. I'd much rather be browsing sex shoppes than typing up a form letter, thank you very much. Personally, I don't see what she's so worked up about. Lame.

Technorati Tags: ,

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Cum Play Dress Up with Me, Part Two


He drives a couple of blocks to an empty parking lot and finds a spot where it's dark enough that no one will notice.
I say, "You have to pay me first."
He chuckles a bit to himself, but reaches for his wallet, and says, "You better be a good little cumslut if you're gonna get my hard-earned cash."
"Don't worry," I say, "You'll get your money's worth."


I grab the cash from his hands, stuff it down my bra, and turn towards him. "So, baby, show me that hard cock of yours."

I unbutton his pants and begin to work his zipper while he grabs my breasts.
"God your breasts are nice and big. I love that cleavage of yours," he says while I take his cock in my hand.
He gasps when I put it full on into my mouth, my lips closing tightly around it. I stop long enough to say, "Baby, your cock feels so good in my mouth."
He begins to thrust a little each time my mouth goes down to the base of his cock. This time, my knees are on the car seat, and my ass is up in the air. He reaches up my skirt and begins to rub my pussy. "Oooh, you're wet," he says.
"Yeah baby, I get wet when I suck a good cock."
He slowly slides one finger in my pussy. "mmmmmm," I say. "I like that."
He pulls his finger out, tells me to look at him, and sucks on his finger like it's covered in honey.
"Fuck, you turn me on," I say.
"Yeah? You wanna fuck me?" he asks.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Ummm...



Skoften.net - Je weet toch



I'm not sure WHY someone would do this, but it's definitely a picture essay if I ever saw one. Make sure to scroll down slowly. I'm sure if you had videotaped me while I was looking at this, you would have seen the progression of my eyes bugging out of my head. Enjoy!


Skoften.net - Je weet toch

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Slutty Professor






Glimpse of porn in class leads teacher to resign
Dear Substitute Teacher,
Please make sure you show this instructional video about volcanoes to the kids. It's the one entitled "Hot Lava Eruptions: There She Blows."
Sincerely,
Ms. Kalabus

Poor teachers. All of a sudden they're in the news left and right, and not because they raised test scores or single-handedly changed a student's life. If it's not fatal attractions to students or promoting sex acts among students while they watch, it's being forced to resign because your porn accidentally got mixed up with the educational videos you show in class. I blame the porn industry. If it wasn't for their ambiguous titles, all of this could have been avoided. How easy is it to mistake "A Midsummer Night's Cream" for the PBS rendition of the famous Shakespearean play? Or "ET: The Extra Testicle" for your favorite movie when you were in school? And don't even get me started on "Good Will Humping" or "Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer's Stone." Still, the actual educational video I saw in Physiology class of a woman giving birth has scarred me far worse than porn ever has.

Technorati Tags:

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

True Dat



Beware of the penis power, ladies. And god forbid if that penis power done ejaculated into yo brain. Lord, have mercy!

Alexyss Tylor, an Atlanta public access TV host, says that she doesn't have a master's degree or PhD in academia, but she does have "a master's degree in being played by men, used by men, told everything I want to hear to get me into positions..." Thus, Vagina Power, her local public access talk show (where she does mainly ALL the talking), is born.

If you have the 10 minutes to spare to listen her spew out her so-called teachings, you might find yourself laughing out loud in some spots, especially at her trusty sidekick.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I Love the Smell of VULVA in the Morning



VULVA Original

Words escape me. You're just gonna have to click on the link and see for yourself. If only they invented olfactory capability in computers. You can either spend the 20 Euro to buy it bottled or stop by my house anytime and I'll give you a free whiff.

Technorati Tags: , , ,

Powered by ScribeFire.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

It's Survival of the Fittest at work



What an ovulating girl wants: Manly men - LiveScience - MSNBC.com
Who says evolution is a crock? This study suggests that women seek out masculine men when ovulating, proof that we want our species to thrive and produce genes fit for survival. Not to say that a "manly man" is the height of mankind, but it does prove some theories:
1. Horny women are probably responsible for the success of Brad Pitt's career.
2. George Clooney isn't gay; he just recognizes that women only want him when they're ovulating, and not when they want a long-term relationship.
3. No wonder I find my husband's bushy eyebrows so goddamn sexy.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Fantasy Friday: Cum Play Dress Up With Me


My husband and I occasionally like to role-play, and getting to dress up like a slut is part of the fun for me. One of my fantasies is to dress up real slutty, make up like a hooker, skirt barely covering my ass. If I bend down, you're sure to see my pussy. Six inch heels like the kind strippers wear with black thigh highs that are sure to turn any pantyhose fetishist wild. I tell my man to meet me at the corner of Sunset and Vine, and I'm standing there at the bus stop looking like the horny hooker that I am, ready to take on my next john. He sees me and pulls over, and I bend over giving the people at the bus stop behind me quite a show. I say, "Wanna date handsome?" and he replies, "How much?"
"Forty for a blow, sixty for a fuck," I say, like I've been a prostitute for years.
"Get in," he says, and I get slightly wet when he says it because he sounds so forceful and manly.
He drives a couple of blocks to an empty parking lot and finds a spot where it's dark enough that no one will notice.
I say, "You have to pay me first."
He chuckles a bit to himself, but reaches for his wallet, and says, "You better be a good little cumslut if you're gonna get my hard-earned cash."
"Don't worry," I say, "You'll get your money's worth."
...TO BE CONTINUED

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Bravo New York!




New York's risqué condom campaign. - By Bonnie Goldstein - Slate Magazine

Kudos to New York for launching a safe sex campaign, giving away free condoms, and promoting responsible behavior in a variety of languages for the city's population.

While some might consider this a "risqué" move on the part of New York's mayor, Michael Bloomberg, I feel that it's smart, necessary, and significant for one of our nation's largest and most trend-setting cities to finally acknowledge the fact that people have sex and should be taught how to do it responsibly.

Now, hopefully, people will continue that responsible behavior and throw their used condoms in the trash instead of discarding them nonchalantly in the already littered streets of New York.

Technorati Tags: , ,

Beyonce? Really?


AskMen.com - Top 99 Women 2007



OK, so AskMen.com recently published their list of the Top 99 Desirable Women of 2007. I have several problems with this. One, 2007 is only 4 months old. If they want to prematurely publish this list before the end of the year, be my guest, but I'm just saying. Who knows? Maybe some buxom bombshell will fall out of the sky in mid-July. Then they'll feel really stupid. Second, who are these men that they're asking? The website claims that "more than 8.5 million votes were cast over a six week period." Was each vote a unique vote or was it simply the result of an overzealous obsessed fan who has a thing for Scarlett Johansen? The reason I ask is that the list is somewhat interesting. Reese Witherspoon and Cameron Diaz were among the rejects. Which I don't quite understand since Jennifer Love Hewitt was on their Top 99 List. Their number one reject from the list was Britney Spears, which I actually applaud. She's not even on my list of Top 10,000. Many of the women on this list are people I have never, ever heard of. A whole lot of them are models, and funnily enough, NONE of them are porn stars. WTF? This is my third reason for having a problem with this list. If you look at the actual revenues of the porn industry, that alone is proof enough that porn stars are some of the most desirable women in the world. Maybe AskMen.com wanted to avoid "controversy" by not nominating any porn stars, but give me a break. I know quite a few of them would be in MY Top 99. Lastly, their number one desirable woman out of the 99 listed is....BEYONCE. Really? I mean, she's hot and all, and yeah, she can sing, and she has an amazing ass. But, IMO, definitely not No. 1.

Hello Pink Artichoke Readers,
For the past few days, I've been remiss in posting new entries. Mainly due to the lack of time afforded for internet access while traveling, partially due to a lack of initiative on my part to keep a fresh post available in my absence. But do not fear! I will more than make up for it in the next few posts...Today I am posting two entries that I hope will make you think and will titillate your brain synapses and urge you to formulate your own theories about sex and the world we live in.

In the meantime, here's a Best of Craigslist entry that I found somewhat amusing. Evidence, once again, that sex is a need, just like food and water.


best of craigslist : Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work...

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Peep Show

Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 7, 2007

This Ain't Your Sister's Barbie Doll



The Evolution of Sex Dolls in Japan
Sex Dolls have come a long way, baby. Now, it's amazing how lifelike they really are. Some look even better than the real thing. I'm sure some of these are collector's items, and they probably cost a fortune. But, if you want a girlfriend-like experience without the girlfriend or a live human for that matter, take a look at these.

Technorati Tags:

Friday, April 6, 2007

Fantasy Friday - Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun!!

No, this isn't a fantasy about twins. But you can probably guess where this is going. For the longest time, I've wanted to have a DP. The idea of one cock in my cunt and another cock in my ass at the same time...wooowwweee!!! I get so turned on whenever I see this particular sex act in pornos, and I marvel at the ability of some women to take two huge cocks in so easily. Here's what I fantasize about...

For more Fantasy Friday, go to my X-rated blog.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Language of Love

I know I've been posting some fluff lately -- celebrity shit and comic videos -- no REAL entries about the world of sex and everything in it. Maybe it's the mood I've been in lately; I kinda don't want to think about everyday life and the weighty issues that surround us. Just give me a 2-minute video from YouTube that'll make me laugh out loud, and I can rest in peace. Besides, most of you readers don't wanna hear me rant, you just want Fantasy Friday everyday (which, by the way, this week's post should be good). Anyway, until tomorrow, here's more fluff to keep your mind off work and how much sex you're NOT getting.




Technorati Tags:

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Greatest Headline Ever




Angry girl takes bite out of Hamburger | Metro.co.uk

I love this headline: "Angry girl takes bite out of Hamburger." Some guy from Hamburg got more than he bargained for when he wouldn't just let the girl dance.
A German girl who could not get an admirer to stop bothering her in a Hamburg disco unzipped the man's flies, pulled out his penis, put it in her mouth - and then almost bit it in half.

I've been assaulted on the dance floor before (for some reason, big black guys with hard ons seem to sneak up behind me right when I'm getting my groove on), but I don't think I've ever been mad enough or drunk enough to want to bite a guy's dick off. A word to the wise: beware of strange women who suddenly go down on you on the dance floor.

OK, so today's post has nothing really to do with sex, but I couldn't help but post the headline.


Technorati Tags:

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The Saddest Handjob

Here's a bit of comic relief in preparation for Hump Day.




Via: VideoSift

Does any of this sound familiar? If I were Louis C.K.'s wife, I dunno how happy I'd be with his characterization of me. Now, if he looked like Dane Cook,...



Did Dane Cook steal Louis C.K.'s material?



Monday, April 2, 2007

Check Out Those Lady Lumps

Tittle-Tattle: Fergie Has Experimented With Lesbian Relationships - The Post Chronicle
My humps. My humps. My lovely Lady Humps. Maybe there's more to that stupid song than I originally thought. Fergie likes those lovely lady lumps in the back and in the front. I apologize for getting that tormenting tune in your head, but apparently this is news people. Fergie has had (gasp!) sex with other women. And again, I apologize for getting that horrible image in your mind. I'm picturing Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson all over again, only with more crystal meth and collagen injections.




Picture courtesy of Perez Hilton


Technorati Tags: , , , ,

Sunday, April 1, 2007

God Bless Us, Everyone...Well, Three of Us


Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

Either this is some really great April Fool's Day prank, or Christians can interpret pretty much any passage in the Bible to support their beliefs. This is some really fucked up shit. Here's basically what the article says: It's ok to have a threesome, as long as it's not two men and one woman (Homosexuality is evil!) and the two women in the threesome can engage in lesbian sex as long as they maintain female stereotypical roles of submissiveness, look like women (i.e. wear lipstick and have a high-pitched voice), and still obey the male. And I quote,...

...we feel a Christian threesome is morally acceptable if it meets these conditions: It must be composed of one man and two women, all of whom recognize and maintain proper sex roles for men and women in and out of the bedroom. All married members of the threesome must consent to the arrangement and have consent from their spouses. And finally, the purpose of the relationship must be that it ultimately strengthens the existing bond between husband and wife and allows all three parties to share and celebrate their love of God together.


I attempted to find out who the author of this groundbreaking bullshit is, but to no avail. There are also links to God's view on oral sex, anal sex, and of all things, fisting. You may find your jaw dropping as you read this stuff, so beware. But most of all, know that God is looking down on you in pleasure as you fuck your wife's best friend silly.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Lick my Purity Balls, Baby




Would you pledge your virginity to your father?: News: glamour.com

So this is somewhat disturbing and VERY weird. These Purity Balls have gained popularity among right-wing evangelical Christians and spurned them on to promote chastity and virginity among their youth in a fashion that's a cross between a debutante ball and a weird Mormon marriage ceremony. If you read the article, you'll see that these fathers want to protect their dear little daughters against the big, bad sex monster, pledging to fight for their chastisty while the daughters promise to remain pure. My guess? Half of these 15 year olds have probably already sucked a guy's dick or held one in their hand, while a small percentage of them probably have had anal sex. But, of course, that doesn't count. Any self-respecting Catholic girl will tell you, taking it up the ass is the best way to ensure you're telling the truth at confession and the best way to prevent the death of the maiden -- pregnancy. I believe that these girls will "wait until marriage" just like I believe that Paris Hilton will remain celibate for a year. Puh-leeese. I feel sorry for these young women. Granted, they may have incredible relationships with their fathers, but their future husbands are going to have a lot to contend with and way more than that to live up to. AND once their marriage starts to go awry, these has-been virgins will go out whoring to make up for lost time, and not even do it safely cuz they never were taught how to in the first place, for fear that it would make them promiscuous. God help us. God help us all.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , ,

Friday, March 30, 2007

It's Fantasy Friday! Here She Cums...


As an Asian woman, I've pretty much fulfilled the classic Asian submissive role during sex play. With my husband, I am almost always submissive, allowing him to do some light BDSM play and really getting off on it. I absolutely LOVE getting my hair pulled while he's fucking me from behind, but that's another story. Lately, I've had the urge to explore a more dominant role in sex, only not with my husband but with another woman, preferably of the Asian persuasion, with big boobs and a love of light BDSM play as well. I want to be the dominant one, spanking the woman's ass, spanking her pussy, pinching her nipples with clothespins, and a whole host of other things that she will enjoy. Here's the scenario:

I'm the mistress, the dominant one, and she is the sex slave. She's not allowed to speak unless spoken to, and she is only allowed to say, "Yes, Mistress." My husband will be in the room, but he is solely there to observe. He is not allowed to participate unless I tell him to. My sex slave will be forced to get on her knees, naked, with her hands tied behind her back. I will begin to engage in some nipple play, teasing her nipples, pinching them with clothespins, twisting them, and forcing her to suck on mine. The pleasure I receive is in knowing that she loves being treated this way. The more intense the better. As I spank her ass, I know that with each smack of my hand, her pussy gets wetter, and I get to lick that all up when I'm done torturing her.

I begin to employ the use of toys. I get out the butt plug and begin to lube it up, but only a bit, because I know that she enjoys the sting when it enters her asshole.
I thrust it into her ass and make her wince, then pull it out forcefully, making her suck on it. This is only the beginning.

For now, I will make her kneel in the center of the room, her hands tied behind her back tightly, a ball gag in her mouth, and a butt plug up her ass. I'll let her stay that way for a bit while I go enjoy a glass of wine with my hubby. When I return, she'll have much more in store for her, and I'll have her licking me in no time...
TO BE CONTINUED.
More Asian Girl Girl action, free pics and movies

Technorati Tags:

Thursday, March 29, 2007

One More Reason to Love Drew Barrymore




Drew Barrymore Does Jane Magazine | Celebrity News Live!
Yes, I realize I have been remiss in mentioning Paris Hilton in my blog posts of late, but do not fear! She will return, just like she always does. In the meantime, I am going to follow up yesterday's post about Courtney Cox with another celebrity-based post (sorry!). Cuz you know, some days I just don't feel like writing an essay on teen pregnancy or sex fetishes.

My high school obsession with Drew Barrymore has now resurfaced. Granted, she's been quite the media whore lately, gracing the covers of Glamour magazine and the like and making me quite nauseated with this upscale and chic persona. Whatever happened to the breast-baring, flower child, I-don't-give-a-fuck Drew Barrymore that I grew up loving and idolizing? Well, she's not forever lost. In the new issue of Jane magazine, Drew talks about how free-thinking she is when it comes to sex, and suddenly, I feel like I'm back in high school again. Then, in other news, Jane editor Jane Pratt reveals that she once had a sexual relationship with Drew (like that's a surprise?!) in what looks to me like a silly attempt to sell more magazines. I always knew that Drew was bisexual. She may not admit it or identify herself as that, but I sense in her the soul of a truly sexual being, enjoying the activity whether it be male or female or David Letterman. Or Courtney Love for that matter. BTW, I always thought there was some threesome action going on with Drew, Courtney, and Mr. Edward Norton. And another aside, what kind of man goes from Courtney Love to Salma Hayek? An obviously talented one, of course. Anyway, I think I've dropped enough celeb names in this posts to get me maybe a dozen more readers. So, thanks for indulging my sudden reinfatuation with Drew and my complete surrender to the vacuum that is Hollywood.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Kiss Heard Round the World



I hate to admit it, but I was curious. Just like everyone else. But, I'll save you the time and hassle and tell you it's nothing to be excited about. Jennifer Aniston plays herself just as she usually does in every fucking role she has, and Courtney Cox looks like she specifically got collagen injections for this scene. The kiss is lame, totally non-erotic, and so not worth the hype. Best friends kissing, big fucking deal. Give me some hot asian lez action with full on licking and fingering and shit like that, and then come talk to me.

Technorati Tags: , , , ,

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

No Truer Words Were Ever Spoken




For Guy Virgins: Basic Things No One Told Me About Sex

When I read this article, I picture some pimply-faced, skinny, paler than dust white guy who just got his braces off typing furiously at his computer. This was the same guy who, in high school, sat next to me in the back of the room in geometry class and passed around old copies of Penthouse to his geeky friends while I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disgust. Still, I've got to hand it to him, he pretty much wrote a manifesto to all his geeky friends in this article. Dispelling all the myths one might have about sex (if the only sex they've had is in front of a TV set with Mrs. Palmer and her five friends), this article pretty much gives it to the reader straight, no-nonsense, and to the point. From the messiness of the situation to minor injuries you might sustain while having sex (usually general clumsiness), you get it all outlined here. The only thing he forgets to mention is that not all women look like porn stars. Not all women have huge fake titties and walk around in 8-inch heels and thong bikinis. If he wants to include some basic things about sex, then he should probably touch upon the importance of being able to find a clit, regardless of how small it is or how much she keeps saying, "It really doesn't matter, I liked it anyway." In fact, here's my version of what I would tell Guy Virgins about sex: You'll probably cum in 5 seconds, be really nervous, and need an entire box of condoms before you can get one on right and be hard enough to do anything. But, relax. All you really need to know is how to make a woman feel special, like she's the only woman on earth, that you'd do anything to please her, and well, that your entire goal is not to lose your virginity but to worship her body like there were no tomorrow. That, my friend, is a surefire why to get any woman to act like a porn star and make all your porn fantasies cum true.

Technorati Tags: , , , ,